Miracles In A Bottle (Beer)

In this article you will find information about beer. For all of you who get bored when reading information on a subject, piss off. I am going to educate you about beer and try my best to be entertaining at the same time, but no promises. Learn or leave, the door is right over there.

This is me. My friend Michal Howington was born with facial hair, so that's the first way you can tell our baby pictures apart. The second way is that he was drinking a Guinness. Anyway, we both love us some beer, and it's a good thing for us that there's so much of it out there. Unfortunately though, America The Beautiful is also America The Sadly Lacking In The Beer Department. It's inhabitants think that Budweiser is the "King of All Beers" (it's on the damn label for Christ's sake!) I am here to tell you that you are all wrong and kind of pathetic. America does have it's breweries that help repair our image somewhat, but we are going to clear up all this "Beer is Beer" business. Beer is far more complicated than that, and it deserves your respect and most humble apologies. Your education starts with the absolute basics. Pay attention. As insane as it may sound all beers can be boiled down to two different base types: Ales and Lagers.

Ale:

Beer uses fermented yeast to make it a wonderful commodity to people and animals alike. Brewing methods are complex and the science is several books worth of material that I don't particularly care to go into right now. Basically, once the yeast is fermented for an Ale, the concoction is aged for just a few weeks and at low temperatures (40-55 degrees F) to make a more flavorful, heavy beer. Ales tend to have complex flavors and aroma's, and are generally served at room temperature. They say to consume ales with stronger flavored foods such as red meat, fish and chips, etc. Types of Ale are: Stout, Pale Ale, India Pale Ale (IPA), Porter, Bitter, Blond and Golden Ales, Barley Wine, Brown Ale, Belgian Whites.


Lager:

Lagers are aged at lower temperatures than Ales (32-45 degrees F) and spend a longer amount of time (months) in the aging process. Lagers are almost always served cold and are the favorite of the "hard working American." Their tastes aren't as complex as an Ale, but instead offer a clean, refreshing feel and can accompany a wider variety of food. Personally, I prefer a good Lager but that's just me. I tend to get full after a few heavy Ales. Types of Lager are: Amber, Pale Lager, Pilsner, Marzen, Bock, Dopplebock, Munich Dark/Pale.


Now that you know some basics, you can go out and grab some beer and try for yourself. I'm not gonna lie to you, its an acquired taste, and you can't give up just because Icehouse tastes nasty. Warning: Icehouse tastes nasty.



Do NOT walk Plank RD. You have been warned.

Keep trying and start with light beers (that's all they're good for anyway) and then once you've become comfortable, pick up a Yuengling. Sling those down for a little while and then you can move to Guinness. Once you have made those transitions, you are now ready to take the next step and discover the wonder that is beer. You will have to move into new territory. The Food Lion will no longer contain what you are seeking, what you need. You must travel to a specialty store. For me, it's call Total Wine. Don't let the name fool you, their beer section can leave me slack jawed all day long. Sometimes it takes me an hour just to pick one out of the mass of choices. A brilliant practice that they encourage is to make your own six pack. You can grab six different beers and take them home to try. Slow down cowboy, you have the rest of your life to dedicate to alcoholism, no need to rush. Being a beer snob is more than just drinking copius amounts of beer, you have to have the knowledge of what you're drinking and why it tastes the way it does. Neither of us has the time to go over all the information on the types of beer there are, so I'll just name a few favorites for you.


Amber (Lager):

An all around beer, the Amber (or Red) Lager generally sports low bitterness, which is great for beginners. They have great character and a nice Malty backbone. In this category: Yuengling, Fat Tire, Brooklyn Lager, Laughing Skull, Dos Equis, Killians Irish Red, Old Scratch Amber Lager.

Belgian Whites (Ale):

A pale and cloudy beer made with a high level of wheat (and sometimes oats). Always spiced with things like coriander or orange peels. Very crisp taste with a twang. In this category: Hoegaarden Original White Ale, Blue Moon Belgian White, Shock Top Beligian White, Samual Adams White Ale.

A few others that I favor are: Guinness Draught (Irish Dry Stout), Harp (Irish Pale Lager), Dortmunder Gold (Gold Lager), Mothership (Wit, Organinc Wheat Beer)

I've tried so many beers, its hard to leave some out and it's even harder to remember them all (for one reason or another). The best thing to do with beer is find an occasion to drink it. Nothing makes a beer better than a good experience. Nothing makes an experience better than a good beer. I just made that up and I'm really proud of it, and remember it so I can nudge you about it later. Find a good drinking buddy, like Mr. Michal Howington. He and I have many beer adventures ahead of us, and we look forward to seeing you there. Not really. Go find your own hole to crawl in.

A Beer Cave, just for you.

By the way, here are a few websites to help you inexperienced drinkers out:
http://www.beeradvocate.com/
http://www.destinationbeer.com/

Thanks for reading.