Miracles In A Bottle (Beer)

In this article you will find information about beer. For all of you who get bored when reading information on a subject, piss off. I am going to educate you about beer and try my best to be entertaining at the same time, but no promises. Learn or leave, the door is right over there.

This is me. My friend Michal Howington was born with facial hair, so that's the first way you can tell our baby pictures apart. The second way is that he was drinking a Guinness. Anyway, we both love us some beer, and it's a good thing for us that there's so much of it out there. Unfortunately though, America The Beautiful is also America The Sadly Lacking In The Beer Department. It's inhabitants think that Budweiser is the "King of All Beers" (it's on the damn label for Christ's sake!) I am here to tell you that you are all wrong and kind of pathetic. America does have it's breweries that help repair our image somewhat, but we are going to clear up all this "Beer is Beer" business. Beer is far more complicated than that, and it deserves your respect and most humble apologies. Your education starts with the absolute basics. Pay attention. As insane as it may sound all beers can be boiled down to two different base types: Ales and Lagers.

Ale:

Beer uses fermented yeast to make it a wonderful commodity to people and animals alike. Brewing methods are complex and the science is several books worth of material that I don't particularly care to go into right now. Basically, once the yeast is fermented for an Ale, the concoction is aged for just a few weeks and at low temperatures (40-55 degrees F) to make a more flavorful, heavy beer. Ales tend to have complex flavors and aroma's, and are generally served at room temperature. They say to consume ales with stronger flavored foods such as red meat, fish and chips, etc. Types of Ale are: Stout, Pale Ale, India Pale Ale (IPA), Porter, Bitter, Blond and Golden Ales, Barley Wine, Brown Ale, Belgian Whites.


Lager:

Lagers are aged at lower temperatures than Ales (32-45 degrees F) and spend a longer amount of time (months) in the aging process. Lagers are almost always served cold and are the favorite of the "hard working American." Their tastes aren't as complex as an Ale, but instead offer a clean, refreshing feel and can accompany a wider variety of food. Personally, I prefer a good Lager but that's just me. I tend to get full after a few heavy Ales. Types of Lager are: Amber, Pale Lager, Pilsner, Marzen, Bock, Dopplebock, Munich Dark/Pale.


Now that you know some basics, you can go out and grab some beer and try for yourself. I'm not gonna lie to you, its an acquired taste, and you can't give up just because Icehouse tastes nasty. Warning: Icehouse tastes nasty.



Do NOT walk Plank RD. You have been warned.

Keep trying and start with light beers (that's all they're good for anyway) and then once you've become comfortable, pick up a Yuengling. Sling those down for a little while and then you can move to Guinness. Once you have made those transitions, you are now ready to take the next step and discover the wonder that is beer. You will have to move into new territory. The Food Lion will no longer contain what you are seeking, what you need. You must travel to a specialty store. For me, it's call Total Wine. Don't let the name fool you, their beer section can leave me slack jawed all day long. Sometimes it takes me an hour just to pick one out of the mass of choices. A brilliant practice that they encourage is to make your own six pack. You can grab six different beers and take them home to try. Slow down cowboy, you have the rest of your life to dedicate to alcoholism, no need to rush. Being a beer snob is more than just drinking copius amounts of beer, you have to have the knowledge of what you're drinking and why it tastes the way it does. Neither of us has the time to go over all the information on the types of beer there are, so I'll just name a few favorites for you.


Amber (Lager):

An all around beer, the Amber (or Red) Lager generally sports low bitterness, which is great for beginners. They have great character and a nice Malty backbone. In this category: Yuengling, Fat Tire, Brooklyn Lager, Laughing Skull, Dos Equis, Killians Irish Red, Old Scratch Amber Lager.

Belgian Whites (Ale):

A pale and cloudy beer made with a high level of wheat (and sometimes oats). Always spiced with things like coriander or orange peels. Very crisp taste with a twang. In this category: Hoegaarden Original White Ale, Blue Moon Belgian White, Shock Top Beligian White, Samual Adams White Ale.

A few others that I favor are: Guinness Draught (Irish Dry Stout), Harp (Irish Pale Lager), Dortmunder Gold (Gold Lager), Mothership (Wit, Organinc Wheat Beer)

I've tried so many beers, its hard to leave some out and it's even harder to remember them all (for one reason or another). The best thing to do with beer is find an occasion to drink it. Nothing makes a beer better than a good experience. Nothing makes an experience better than a good beer. I just made that up and I'm really proud of it, and remember it so I can nudge you about it later. Find a good drinking buddy, like Mr. Michal Howington. He and I have many beer adventures ahead of us, and we look forward to seeing you there. Not really. Go find your own hole to crawl in.

A Beer Cave, just for you.

By the way, here are a few websites to help you inexperienced drinkers out:
http://www.beeradvocate.com/
http://www.destinationbeer.com/

Thanks for reading.

Big Fat Silver Screen: Why I Would Be a Terrible Movie Character

Big Fat Silver Screen indicates that this is a special movie edition of Modern Petulance (And a Few Good Beers). I can already hear my girlfriend saying, "I'm not stupid you know." Of course you aren't dear, but lots of people are. If I don't point it out, it may not register the next time Big Fat Silver Screen shows up and then they will be lost. Forgive me.
To start, I will say that I love movies. I really can't seem to get enough movies in my life and thats the truth. I can completely lose myself during the viewing of a movie and I can get pretty serious if someone interupts my viewing pleasure. With as many movies as I've watched, I have come to the realization that I could not be a character in any sort of film. Heres why.

Action

I love a good action movie. Pay attention to the details: I love a good action movie. For me action movies have to have the right balance between intense action, sly camera work, and believability. If one of those is lacking, the others get pulled down with it. I enjoy plenty of B action flicks, but to make it part of the home collection it has to have something special.

Ol' Dwight certainly is something special.

But sometimes I can't help but notice stuff like Bruce Willis almost getting crushed by a flying car if it hadn't of been for the help of two other cars driving at precisely the right time and space to prevent it. I get shoved out of my believability range when he gets up, dusts himself off and rages while pretty much driving another car into a helicopter. This is no less than I expect from Mr. Willis but I know that it wouldn't have worked for me. I mean, how did he know? Never mind, I would have run the other direction and then enlisted the help of the perfectly capable US Army. For me the biggest reason I couldn't be an action hero is because I would immediately shoot the bad guy nine times in the face the first time I see him/her. When the good guy has a loaded gun pointed at the bad guy and they talk, I yell. Why can they never just shoot 'em when they have the chance? Because then the movie is over. I know. I just don't like to talk with bad guys.

Chow Yun Fat is dependable. He shoots everyone.

Drama

I could not be in a Drama for longer than a cameo. The only thing the people in these movies are missing is Prozac. Then it would be a comedy. "Oh ho Mr. Know-It-All what about Dramadies?" you say. Well its the same damn thing. Drama's have maybe 1/15th the decisions that are made in an Action movie. In an average Drama, you have maybe seven at most. That's what the movie focuses on. Each decision has some ice cream eating sap in suspense of just how McConaughey is going to work it out. Don't get me wrong, some of my favorite movies are Dramas. I just couldn't be in them. I don't really understand why some people are upset and the best I can do is make it awkward. Say the main character is in front of me crying and saying she doesn't know if it was a good idea that she slept with my best friend. I would ask if the sex was good. If it was, great. Whats the problem with good sex? If it wasn't, well there's beer. Or Mikes Hard for you ladies.
I'm kinda oblivious to silly problems, so I wouldn't do well as a Dramatic character. My only line would be "So?"

Horror

I'm a huge fan of the Zombie Apocalypse or Z-Day. I'm ready to immerse myself in some Zombie survival and guess what? I would survive with the best of them. The only thing you have to worry about from a killer in a Horror movie is sneak attacks, and honestly nobody sees a machete thrown from a mile away while its pitch black in the woods.

Why? Because it's fucking cheating that's why!

But you know what? When pursued by an evil entity, it's best not to go into the dark woods anyway. In fact, gear up, wait it out, and turn the damn tables on the killer. Jason walks wherever he goes and still catches up to you. So forget the Leer Jet because it doesn't matter, he'll be there when you land. Now I'm about to approach a sensitive subject. Why do you think there is such thing as a Token Black Person? Because it's almost always one black person. You know why? No black person that I've ever met in my lifetime would ever be seen in a creepy ass cabin in the middle of nowhere. They don't do that kind of stuff because they understand the horror genre better than anybody. Do you think they're gonna investigate that creepy noise down in the unlit cellar? HELL NO. They will not. If you see a Token Black Person in a horror movie, they are generally dressed and acting like the white folks around them. If they aren't then they are the hero and are there by accident. Sorry, you lose.

Comedy

This genre of cinema is the one most likely to accomodate me. Unfortunately, it also accomodates millions of other people. To be in comedy, it takes way too much work and ramen noodles and someone always has better jokes than me. Performance-wise, I could pull it off big time, but then I'd have to sell out and do some stupid ass TV show forever until no on likes me any more.

It wont be long.

Theres something about comedies that kinda makes you get type-casted alot, and thats how a lot of good actors and comedians go down in flames. As awesome as Zach Galifianakis is, he is getting the same role over and over again. It always makes me feel good to watch Out Cold just so I can see him as his origional brilliant self. If you ever get depressed you should too.

Thriller

Because they wont let me say "Pancakes House."

Thanks for reading.

The Stinky Truth

Like all good things, the truth stinks. It's stench is what makes it so much fun. I guess I'll have to explain that one. Many of my peers know my views on smell and how it effects the genders. For those of you who haven't enjoyed the pleasure of my company I will explain further. All ye who have heard this story can skip right to the picture. For the rest of you, listen up. Ahem. Men are attracted to foul smelling things, and women are attracted to pleasant smelling things. It's a glorious fact of nature that makes for awesome diversity and easy practical jokes. A man for instance, will accidentally forget his deodorant and then do copious amounts of man things like construction, complaining, and drinking beer (to name a few). And then while leaning down to pick up the hammer, the hammer that dropped on his foot, or his beer, he will be struck with the whole day's stockpile of Man B.O. His nose wrinkles, his eyes tear up, and he quickly exhales in a loud whoosh. He says, "Dude!" which turns the heads of all his friends. "This is the worst smell I've ever smelled in my LIFE...you gotta smell this!!" His friends near him all grimace and one leans in and grabs a whiff. "Ooohhh, man! That's terrible!" he exclaims, and then goes in for another whiff. "Ohhhhh, dude! It IS the worst smell ever!!" All the men will then gather near and smell this horrible fragrance one, two, or even three times, all while saying its the worst smell in the entire universe. This is normal. The same goes with farts. Why do you think we find them so funny? Because they sound great and they smell bad! It's perfect for us because its simple, it has to do with someone's ass, and the stink is different every time. The fact that farts are so unpredictable make them a surprising, and exciting treat for most men.
Women are the opposite. When a man farts and laughs hysterically, they tend to leave the room. Now before I go further, there are exceptions. I've seen women giggle at farts and men get angry at a harmless toot. No declaration of the sexes is always 100%, but for now we will laugh at how I'm kinda right on the money. Now take perfume. Most (shallow) men could care less. In fact, most (shallow) men will turn their noses up at it and only tolerate one tiny sniff before going to clear their sinuses with a fish or something. Flowers have the same result. Honestly girls, we men don't so much dislike good smells, as much as we really can't tell a difference. Our noses are built to detect the tiny differences in who farted and when, or what longitude and latitude that chicken farm is at, and the difference between junk food and health food. We just aren't built for it.

Above: Clearing the Sinuses

Now: Truth. The loudest fart known to man. One that both sexes seem to dislike equally. Don't worry people. This is not an accusation or inspired by current events type thing. Nobody has been untruthful in an unsatisfactory way for a while so you are all in the clear. All similarities to those living or dead is completely uncoincidental and is purely because I fucking said so. The question I pose is this: If telling the truth is just like farting, why do people hate it so? I do realize that this whole article is one big fart joke, but the comparisons are genuine. I tell the truth and that is that. It gets me in trouble sometimes, but I get in less trouble than those who lie. That brings another question to mind: If the truth stinks, than lying _______? See, you cant use "stinks" because you already tried to bring a bad look to the truth. And most of you have a cricket subtly nudging you telling you that you cant say lying is "sweet." Look at the mess you guys are in now that stink is no longer a bad connotation.

The more you eat the...less..you...lie?

When I was in K-12 school (no, that is not some sort of super enhanced legal stinky weed) I didn't do homework. I wouldn't do it. My teachers told me I couldn't bring my home into school, so why the hell would I bring school into my home? I did ok on the tests, but I ended up being a C student because I did next to no homework. When I would get home my mother would ask if I had homework, and I would Puppy Kitty Butterfly Lie (nope, that doesn't work either) and tell her that I didn't have any. At this point in my life, I look back and my mother had to know I was lying. But my stinky smelly mother (damn you all for making this complicated) was trying to teach me a lesson about the importance of homework and school. My mother is like that. She will let me suffer the consequences of my own actions to teach me a lesson. And I wholly appreciate her efforts now, because it made me the wonderful, amazing, asshole I am today. No comparison there, I am wonderful, amazing, and yes, an asshole. But back to the lying. I would lie and tell her that I didn't have homework. Every day. Then she would ask me about my grades being low and I would lie some more. When the teacher wrote "NO HOMEWORK" on my report card, I would be caught in my lies. They compounded and eventually I lost track of them. It did me no good. So a few years back, after many more lies of course, I told myself that I would lie no more. No matter the consequence. It has been an amazing feeling to not have to have any of that stress I used to have. I want to share it, but nobody believes me.

Nobody believes me...

I live a lie free life which means that I have approximately 50% less in my life to worry about than other human beings. Now an important issue to address is the ability to judge when to tell the truth, and when to be silent (the third option used to be lie, but now its scratching my armpits). It's one of those things where if someone casually mentions that they think they might be stupid, and they'd like to find out but they cant do basic math, you cant just pipe up and totally agree. You just scratch your armpits and say, "That sucks...you wanna smell this?" Being silent sometimes is the equivalent of agreeing, so you have to come up with your own way of changing the subject. No, you can't take the armpit thing, be original and come up with your own shtick.

Mine.

As for the whole "Stinky" means "Awesome" thing...well... I'm blaming you. You guys are just going to have to fix your mistakes and start telling the truth of things. The truth never literally set anyone free, but its all how you look at it. Everyone knows me now as one who will always be honest, and will not just tell you what you want to hear. It's taken a while. And a lot of people calling me a shithead. Knowing what you guys know now, thats a huge compliment. Don't expect your new found honesty to go off well with anybody, but make it to where you don't care and eventually you'll see how much lighter and carefree you feel. I'm serious. I lost twenty pounds and part of my concience. And I'm loving it.

My concience gets in your home and annoys you for days.

Call me an asshole for that. I don't care.

Thanks for reading.

We Might Not Make It After All: Video Games and Violence

    Welcome all to the first entry to my brand new blog, Modern Petulance (And a Few Good Beers.) I've started the name of this article with We Might Not Make It After All, which will eventually be a series of articles on society and their crazy crazy views. Sit back, relax, and fall over in your chair once you fall asleep.


"Violence in video games causes aggression and encourages violent behavior." This is a rallying cry for PTA parents, people who suck at video games, and that guy who keeps getting punched for not leaving the big dude's girlfriend alone.

Or maybe just because.

Across the nation, news companies and sensationalists have had a field day reporting on how the release of games such as Grand Theft Auto (GTA from now on) have caused a spike in violence across the globe. On the other side of the equation there is the steadfast band of gamer nerds crying out "BULLSHIT!" And not just because we just got bad latency on Street Fighter 4. There are plenty of arguments for both sides of the issue, but since I'm writing the article, and I happen to be on the opposing side (nothing beats blasting that one back talking character nine times in the face) we are going to hear my views on what the hell the real problems are.



 We'll start with something called Parental Investment. It means that it is the parent's job to insure that their children are eating properly, sleeping enough, and receiving the right influences day to day to successfully grow to adulthood and be an active member of society. The ESRB (Entertainment Software Ratings Board) has a very VERY clear ratings system on the front of a game and an even more detailed rating on the back. Any dumbass that has lived in America for at least a month knows that the R rating on a movie means "Restricted" or at least that kids maybe shouldn't watch it. Well a big glaring M means "Mature" in video game world (it also says it under the giant M on the game) and the reason for the M is described in detail on the back of the game. It isn't like some games are like this, ALL games are like this for every system.

So you really do have to be some kind of idiot no matter who you are to consciously buy your kid something you don't want them to have. Oh don't go and tell me that you're kid got it all by themselves. Store clerks are not allowed to sell an M rated game with out proof of age or parental consent. Really. They can't. If you're kid got someone else to buy it for them, step up, exercise parental control, and take it away. And for God's sake, don't show them where you hide your piece.

"OK Carl! I want you to think about Haitians!"

Now, back to the PTA parents. You know the type. They know every teacher in the school, get daily status reports on their kids grades, run their house with an iron fist, and even run the Neighborhood Watch with Hitler-esque diligence. Just like the goose stepping genocide hiding behind a neat little mustache, they are the enemy of America. They are the first to rally at any sort of event they deem inappropriate, and will be on the news in a heartbeat to tell the world what whats wrong with it. These are the parents that take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance, and alternately complain about God being taken out of the Pledge of Allegiance. When that poor old Janitor from school accidentally farted in a classroom, they tell the school board that he is not right for the job and should have a psychoanalysis done immediately. And it fucking happens. You get it. I digress. These people, who's kids are poor souls who never had a chance at being happy until their breakthrough at the psychologist years down the road, hate everything. Especially video games. Video games are anti-church, anti-family, and anti-social in their eyes. But like all clever enemies, they develop a strategy. One day little straight-A Timmy emulates PTA Mom or PTA Dad around the kid who doesn't want to hear any of it, and gets footmarks on his face. This is called Social Status. Every school has the people at the top, and the people at the bottom. Straight-A Timmy is near the bottom because his Mom/Dad got a dress code passed where all students have to tuck in their shirts and wear a belt. Then he mouths off to a top rung and gets welted. I'm not saying I agree with social status, but it's there none the less. What does the Self Righteous Mom/Dad do? Blame the whole thing on video games. Sickening, to say the least. It just doesn't happen that way.

"Tell your mom that Max Payne sends his regards!"

I guess we could talk briefly on the number of scientific tests done on this issue that have produced no conclusive results. Yeah, you heard me. Scientists do agree that during video games the players exhibited heightened states of adrenaline and aggression. "We win! HA HA HA! Proof!" cries the mob lead by Goebbels himself. If you oppose this article, then go ahead and leave now with some form of self illusioned victory. And wonder forever what's coming next. Here it is: thats the only thing they have. I left out (for the sake of damaging minds) that your body does the exact same thing when you are driving a car. When your boss walks by. When you are watching dogs play. When you are watching sports. When you are playing sports. Even when you are having sex. During stressful times induced by just about anything, the body shoots the appropriate amount of adrenaline into play to deal with whats being perceived. We call this excitement. Kinda goes way back into our lineage with the whole Fight or Flight deal. Whoops.

Pictured: Grand Theft Auto

A coworker and I were discussing something called sensationalism (sensationalism: a manner of over-hyping events, being deliberately controversial, loud, or acting to obtain attention) and we decided that that is exactly what you are hearing. A person is shot in a gang war in gang turf with a gang gun and the cause is likely video game violence. After all we didn't have any of that stuff going on before video games. No sir. Hey ya'll guess what? The population has sky rocketed in the last ten years and violence has actually gone down nation wide. Think about that! Also think about how scientist applaud games like Call of Duty for helping build team relationship skills and even communication skills. I could go on. Lastly I would like to talk for a second about gamers and what we're about. Most of us use games as an escape. Yes there are people who take it too far but that can be for anything else also. We live our daily lives toiling away at school or work or whatever else that keeps us away from our precious systems. We, as a whole, are not really aggressive people in real life. Dare to touch that trigger button online and we will eviscerate you, but that's where it ends. Our aggression is unleashed upon the world via games, but games do not cause us to be aggressive outside of whatever game we're playing. It's a conduit for the troubles of the day to be taken out on, and then forgotten. Scientists blame violence in children on ADHD and guess what? Parents. A child who's father beats his wife will likely turn out to be a wife beater himself. A child who hangs around a foul mouthed household will likely call you a dickbeard in the near future. The late George Carlin said it best: "It's never the parents. Parents apparently play no part in the development and outcomes of their kids. Parents can raise a kid for twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen years and if it turns out fucked up, well they had nothing to do with that! Parents have gotta be some of the most full of shit people in the world. If the kid turns out to be a loser, they had nothing to do with that. But if he's a winner, got a scholarship or something like that, man they are the first ones out there raising their hands trying to take a little credit." I love my parents. My parents love me. But that's not the case in some places. STOP BLAMING VIDEO GAMES AND LOOK AT THE SITUATION.

"It's not what it looks like!"

Thanks for reading.