Big Fat Silver Screen: Why I Would Be a Terrible Movie Character

Big Fat Silver Screen indicates that this is a special movie edition of Modern Petulance (And a Few Good Beers). I can already hear my girlfriend saying, "I'm not stupid you know." Of course you aren't dear, but lots of people are. If I don't point it out, it may not register the next time Big Fat Silver Screen shows up and then they will be lost. Forgive me.
To start, I will say that I love movies. I really can't seem to get enough movies in my life and thats the truth. I can completely lose myself during the viewing of a movie and I can get pretty serious if someone interupts my viewing pleasure. With as many movies as I've watched, I have come to the realization that I could not be a character in any sort of film. Heres why.

Action

I love a good action movie. Pay attention to the details: I love a good action movie. For me action movies have to have the right balance between intense action, sly camera work, and believability. If one of those is lacking, the others get pulled down with it. I enjoy plenty of B action flicks, but to make it part of the home collection it has to have something special.

Ol' Dwight certainly is something special.

But sometimes I can't help but notice stuff like Bruce Willis almost getting crushed by a flying car if it hadn't of been for the help of two other cars driving at precisely the right time and space to prevent it. I get shoved out of my believability range when he gets up, dusts himself off and rages while pretty much driving another car into a helicopter. This is no less than I expect from Mr. Willis but I know that it wouldn't have worked for me. I mean, how did he know? Never mind, I would have run the other direction and then enlisted the help of the perfectly capable US Army. For me the biggest reason I couldn't be an action hero is because I would immediately shoot the bad guy nine times in the face the first time I see him/her. When the good guy has a loaded gun pointed at the bad guy and they talk, I yell. Why can they never just shoot 'em when they have the chance? Because then the movie is over. I know. I just don't like to talk with bad guys.

Chow Yun Fat is dependable. He shoots everyone.

Drama

I could not be in a Drama for longer than a cameo. The only thing the people in these movies are missing is Prozac. Then it would be a comedy. "Oh ho Mr. Know-It-All what about Dramadies?" you say. Well its the same damn thing. Drama's have maybe 1/15th the decisions that are made in an Action movie. In an average Drama, you have maybe seven at most. That's what the movie focuses on. Each decision has some ice cream eating sap in suspense of just how McConaughey is going to work it out. Don't get me wrong, some of my favorite movies are Dramas. I just couldn't be in them. I don't really understand why some people are upset and the best I can do is make it awkward. Say the main character is in front of me crying and saying she doesn't know if it was a good idea that she slept with my best friend. I would ask if the sex was good. If it was, great. Whats the problem with good sex? If it wasn't, well there's beer. Or Mikes Hard for you ladies.
I'm kinda oblivious to silly problems, so I wouldn't do well as a Dramatic character. My only line would be "So?"

Horror

I'm a huge fan of the Zombie Apocalypse or Z-Day. I'm ready to immerse myself in some Zombie survival and guess what? I would survive with the best of them. The only thing you have to worry about from a killer in a Horror movie is sneak attacks, and honestly nobody sees a machete thrown from a mile away while its pitch black in the woods.

Why? Because it's fucking cheating that's why!

But you know what? When pursued by an evil entity, it's best not to go into the dark woods anyway. In fact, gear up, wait it out, and turn the damn tables on the killer. Jason walks wherever he goes and still catches up to you. So forget the Leer Jet because it doesn't matter, he'll be there when you land. Now I'm about to approach a sensitive subject. Why do you think there is such thing as a Token Black Person? Because it's almost always one black person. You know why? No black person that I've ever met in my lifetime would ever be seen in a creepy ass cabin in the middle of nowhere. They don't do that kind of stuff because they understand the horror genre better than anybody. Do you think they're gonna investigate that creepy noise down in the unlit cellar? HELL NO. They will not. If you see a Token Black Person in a horror movie, they are generally dressed and acting like the white folks around them. If they aren't then they are the hero and are there by accident. Sorry, you lose.

Comedy

This genre of cinema is the one most likely to accomodate me. Unfortunately, it also accomodates millions of other people. To be in comedy, it takes way too much work and ramen noodles and someone always has better jokes than me. Performance-wise, I could pull it off big time, but then I'd have to sell out and do some stupid ass TV show forever until no on likes me any more.

It wont be long.

Theres something about comedies that kinda makes you get type-casted alot, and thats how a lot of good actors and comedians go down in flames. As awesome as Zach Galifianakis is, he is getting the same role over and over again. It always makes me feel good to watch Out Cold just so I can see him as his origional brilliant self. If you ever get depressed you should too.

Thriller

Because they wont let me say "Pancakes House."

Thanks for reading.