The Stinky Truth

Like all good things, the truth stinks. It's stench is what makes it so much fun. I guess I'll have to explain that one. Many of my peers know my views on smell and how it effects the genders. For those of you who haven't enjoyed the pleasure of my company I will explain further. All ye who have heard this story can skip right to the picture. For the rest of you, listen up. Ahem. Men are attracted to foul smelling things, and women are attracted to pleasant smelling things. It's a glorious fact of nature that makes for awesome diversity and easy practical jokes. A man for instance, will accidentally forget his deodorant and then do copious amounts of man things like construction, complaining, and drinking beer (to name a few). And then while leaning down to pick up the hammer, the hammer that dropped on his foot, or his beer, he will be struck with the whole day's stockpile of Man B.O. His nose wrinkles, his eyes tear up, and he quickly exhales in a loud whoosh. He says, "Dude!" which turns the heads of all his friends. "This is the worst smell I've ever smelled in my LIFE...you gotta smell this!!" His friends near him all grimace and one leans in and grabs a whiff. "Ooohhh, man! That's terrible!" he exclaims, and then goes in for another whiff. "Ohhhhh, dude! It IS the worst smell ever!!" All the men will then gather near and smell this horrible fragrance one, two, or even three times, all while saying its the worst smell in the entire universe. This is normal. The same goes with farts. Why do you think we find them so funny? Because they sound great and they smell bad! It's perfect for us because its simple, it has to do with someone's ass, and the stink is different every time. The fact that farts are so unpredictable make them a surprising, and exciting treat for most men.
Women are the opposite. When a man farts and laughs hysterically, they tend to leave the room. Now before I go further, there are exceptions. I've seen women giggle at farts and men get angry at a harmless toot. No declaration of the sexes is always 100%, but for now we will laugh at how I'm kinda right on the money. Now take perfume. Most (shallow) men could care less. In fact, most (shallow) men will turn their noses up at it and only tolerate one tiny sniff before going to clear their sinuses with a fish or something. Flowers have the same result. Honestly girls, we men don't so much dislike good smells, as much as we really can't tell a difference. Our noses are built to detect the tiny differences in who farted and when, or what longitude and latitude that chicken farm is at, and the difference between junk food and health food. We just aren't built for it.

Above: Clearing the Sinuses

Now: Truth. The loudest fart known to man. One that both sexes seem to dislike equally. Don't worry people. This is not an accusation or inspired by current events type thing. Nobody has been untruthful in an unsatisfactory way for a while so you are all in the clear. All similarities to those living or dead is completely uncoincidental and is purely because I fucking said so. The question I pose is this: If telling the truth is just like farting, why do people hate it so? I do realize that this whole article is one big fart joke, but the comparisons are genuine. I tell the truth and that is that. It gets me in trouble sometimes, but I get in less trouble than those who lie. That brings another question to mind: If the truth stinks, than lying _______? See, you cant use "stinks" because you already tried to bring a bad look to the truth. And most of you have a cricket subtly nudging you telling you that you cant say lying is "sweet." Look at the mess you guys are in now that stink is no longer a bad connotation.

The more you eat the...less..you...lie?

When I was in K-12 school (no, that is not some sort of super enhanced legal stinky weed) I didn't do homework. I wouldn't do it. My teachers told me I couldn't bring my home into school, so why the hell would I bring school into my home? I did ok on the tests, but I ended up being a C student because I did next to no homework. When I would get home my mother would ask if I had homework, and I would Puppy Kitty Butterfly Lie (nope, that doesn't work either) and tell her that I didn't have any. At this point in my life, I look back and my mother had to know I was lying. But my stinky smelly mother (damn you all for making this complicated) was trying to teach me a lesson about the importance of homework and school. My mother is like that. She will let me suffer the consequences of my own actions to teach me a lesson. And I wholly appreciate her efforts now, because it made me the wonderful, amazing, asshole I am today. No comparison there, I am wonderful, amazing, and yes, an asshole. But back to the lying. I would lie and tell her that I didn't have homework. Every day. Then she would ask me about my grades being low and I would lie some more. When the teacher wrote "NO HOMEWORK" on my report card, I would be caught in my lies. They compounded and eventually I lost track of them. It did me no good. So a few years back, after many more lies of course, I told myself that I would lie no more. No matter the consequence. It has been an amazing feeling to not have to have any of that stress I used to have. I want to share it, but nobody believes me.

Nobody believes me...

I live a lie free life which means that I have approximately 50% less in my life to worry about than other human beings. Now an important issue to address is the ability to judge when to tell the truth, and when to be silent (the third option used to be lie, but now its scratching my armpits). It's one of those things where if someone casually mentions that they think they might be stupid, and they'd like to find out but they cant do basic math, you cant just pipe up and totally agree. You just scratch your armpits and say, "That sucks...you wanna smell this?" Being silent sometimes is the equivalent of agreeing, so you have to come up with your own way of changing the subject. No, you can't take the armpit thing, be original and come up with your own shtick.

Mine.

As for the whole "Stinky" means "Awesome" thing...well... I'm blaming you. You guys are just going to have to fix your mistakes and start telling the truth of things. The truth never literally set anyone free, but its all how you look at it. Everyone knows me now as one who will always be honest, and will not just tell you what you want to hear. It's taken a while. And a lot of people calling me a shithead. Knowing what you guys know now, thats a huge compliment. Don't expect your new found honesty to go off well with anybody, but make it to where you don't care and eventually you'll see how much lighter and carefree you feel. I'm serious. I lost twenty pounds and part of my concience. And I'm loving it.

My concience gets in your home and annoys you for days.

Call me an asshole for that. I don't care.

Thanks for reading.