Children (Monsters) Parents (Even Worse)

Do you have children? You do? You don't? Wait, you do and you over there, you don't. Well where is your child now? Do you know? Is it a boy or a girl? Both? Gross, good luck naming it. Anyway, as someone who doesn't yet have any offspring I'm gonna tell you about your child. No no no I don't want to see pictures. In fact, nobody does. Just shut up and listen to what is painfully obvious to everyone but you.

Painfully, painfully, painfully obvious.

I am not family, do NOT show me pictures.

Just don't. I work in a business that makes me be a people person. If you couldn't tell thus far, by nature, I am not said people person. This automatically makes dealing with "Average Americans" a little difficult without you showing me pictures of your varmints. I don't know what impulse you get that says, "Hey, this guy made introductions! Lets re-run the entire family history complete with collectible mug by him and make him listen!" Ignore it. I don't want that. And way more importantly, I don't care. When I sold clothes, I had to ask people for their ID. Right next to the identification there would sometimes be pictures of whatever creature this person helped to make. I would wait in fear, hoping and wishing that this person would see that I was more interested in getting my testicles chased by an iguana than looking at his offspring. Inadvertently I would flit my eyes down in horror, and by some sort of terrible luck this person would see my glance at their children and mistake it for interest. "Oh, I see you noticed my family!" he says with a grin. "My mistake, sorry." I mumble through a forced smile.

"Oh, I noticed you noticed my spawn. Wanna know how much he shits?"

Jesus Christ. Oh and that reminds me...

Your child stinks.

Young children stink. They make a little cutesy poopsey in there wittle biddy pants and run around leaving a noxious odor similar to dead trout all over the room. It's a function of nature, to be sure, but it requires immediate attention away from me. Don't just whip out the dookey kit in the middle of the barber shop and expose me to that! I already have that to look forward to, and one of my precious few freedoms before I have my own little monster is to not be subject to a nasty nanny muggins in my peripheral. And guess what else contributes to this wonderful perfume of foulness? All the half eaten food all on its face and clothes. Yay pudding all in its hair and apple sauce on its shirt. Yay for that sticky gooey mess that covers it hands that can only consist of god knows what. I don't want it touching me,and I don't want it touching my stuff.

Don't even buy baby clothes, it'll wear it's food more anyway.

Buy A Leash, Or A Cage

I once had to bail an Irish guy out of jail at around midnight (one more checked off my bucket-list) and in the waiting lobby with me was a Mexican couple. With them at midnight in a jail lobby was their child of a rather young age. Try like three. As I was sitting in my respective chair contemplating the awful lighting and terrible paint job that is a jail lobby, this tyke comes up to me and started chewing on my jeans. It didn't grab skin or anything, it just caught hold of a fold in my pant leg and started nom nom noming away getting baby saliva all over me. Not sure if kicking my leg was legal, and considering my surroundings, I kind of just froze up and looked at the parents for help. Not only did they see what was going on, they were smiling. This kid is covering me in spit and leftover kiddie mush, and they were just smiling away looking me dead in the eye. I don't want to push their child away for fear it might fall over and hurt itself, and I don't want to yell at it because it's not my fucking responsibility. So I said "Excuse me," to the couple. "Que?" the father says back. "Your kid!" I say with undisguised disgust. "Que?" he replies. "Please...restrain your child sir!" I plead, feeling the moisture of this kid soaking my whole leg. "Si!" he replies with a smile, totally not understanding a word I've just said. I basically had to slowly hold/push this kid off me till he shrieked, and then get berated with a foreign warning to probably not touch their child again or else. I mean, what the hell did they think was gonna happen anyway? Oh yeah, by the way...

You Suck As A Parent

Now don't take offense just yet. Before you start exhaling doughnut crumbs in your haste to teach me a thing or two...I know what you're gonna say. Yes, I know that I am not a parent. Since I'm not a parent, I couldn't possibly know how difficult it is to raise a child and be with it all the time and watch it all the time and feed it all the time and clean up after it all the time and take care of its every need and want all the time and all that mess! I know that! I feel your pain!

This hurts me too!

It would just seem to be that there are some basic simple easy parenting things that even a teenage mother can go ,"Duh...even I know that!" Things like:

     Keep Your Child Close

I've seen parents that let their child wander and that's fine as long as it's in the appropriate setting.

Shown: Not an appropriate setting.

I'll be in the line at Wal-Mart and a lady with three kids is thumbing through a magazine while two of her three fledgelings are trying to steal my wallet. Sometimes I'll see a kid just break off of the main herd and go it's own direction. It's almost as if a child snatcher was just trying to lure it into a dark out of the way place. Oh, and for you people who think it's cute when your child interacts with other people. Study that person's face reeeeeaaaalll goooood before allowing said interaction to continue. Because if that person is not smiling you need to gather your child right the fuck now. Because the last child that tried to steal my wallet wound up with a severe case of "Holy shit this guy can get loud!" And don't try to scream at me for yelling/removing/throwing your child screeching back into your arms. If you had read the signs I wouldn't have to be the village parent for you and teach your kid a lesson.

     Reserve Your Tantrums For Your Own Privacy

Rearing a child can be stressful. I've seen enough screaming parents to know that psychotic breakdowns are plentiful and around every corner. That in no way gives you the right though to have one in the middle of a McDonalds.

"I got your Apple Fries right here!"

Watching parents scream at kids in public places is bad for everyone. It's embarrassing your child, shaming your parenting skills, and making me (the mob) very angry in defense of the child. I'm not talking about your average reprimand either, I'm talking about the top of your voice, swearing, flailing, shrieking at your child in the middle of a Baskin Robbins type freak out. It happens all the time. Sometimes quickly, sometimes in long drawn out scenes eventually ending with "Mind ya own damn bizness, bitch! Dis is mah child an I can do what de fuck I wan' with em!" That may be your child, but DSS is going to look at that security footage very carefully before they let you go. As far as I see, those types of things don't need to happen at all. Least of all around me while I'm trying to read Game Informer at the Barnes And Noble.

     Don't Tell Others How To Raise Their Child

Unfortunately, "Dat's yo child an you CAN do what de fuck yo wan' with em." Just because you are a parent and successfully raised three children into perfect model citizens doesn't give you the right to preach to others about their kids. Don't preach to me about how to eventually raise my monsters either unless you want Uncle Flannigan to one day tell your kids about the time you messed with a bison.

"So there he was. Readin' Game Informer at Barnes And Noble..."

I don't care if your little shit is and honor student at his school, my Jack Russel is named after alcohol and is way cooler. I don't care if your little shit graduated with honors or has a great job sucking corporate dick making six figures. The Bison doesn't care! The second you cast your disdainful eyes on me for how my stinky, loud, obnoxious turns out, I will go from this:

(Handsome Devil)

To this:

Do I sound like a hypocrite? It's because I am. Be thankful I didn't talk at all about the fact that you will probably never get good sleep every again or pay almost all of your money out for most of your life. Happy hatching!

I Must Be Getting Old

This article was going to be another edition of We Might Not Make It After All, but since every generation before us has in fact "made it" it doesn't quite fit the profile. What I mean by this is every generation before us had to deal with crazy, rebellious youths sporting bad hair and crazy clothing and yet here we are: still here.

Somehow.


Of course, there was a time during my youth in revolt stage where my parents didn't get it and they were absolutely hopeless. Every male goes through that stage called puberty where he all of a sudden has to deal with extreme levels of testosterone and angst. I went through it just like everybody else. I grew my hair long and wore baggy clothing while blasting my music way too high and sticking out my chest to say "Just try to fuck with this guy here!" High school had a lot to do with it. You have the ever controlling teachers in middle school who don't let you do anything, and all of a sudden you are thrown in high school with so many new body chemicals flowing you don't know how to handle it. And then there's the teachers who don't give a shit about what you do as long as you don't interfere with their Excedrin migraine. This is South Carolina after all. Our way of getting the grade point average higher is to lower the passing score. Back to the point: high school. You get a car, you get to swear, and you get to have sex. All these new freedoms kind of make you feel like you're on top of the world. But you aren't. You are just annoying everyone you come into contact with who is older than you.

Even I want to punch the shit out of me.

As Biggie said, "It was all a dream..." High school is what it is going to feel like when you are finally rich. Yeah I know that's a big let down but it's the truth. All the shit I didn't have to worry about in high school is kicking my ass today. I left the house with an "I'll show you" attitude, and after a while I called back apologizing for every thing I did wrong. Ever. After I moved out, I tried to hang on to a few of my high school values and attitudes. I quickly learned that the real world does not take that sort of thing lightly at all. So having to grow up has changed my opinion on how I used to be. I understand that it was a phase that happens to most folks, but I had no idea just how much I was pissing off people older than me. Now the tides have turned into a tsunami of disgust. It hits you one day. You see some kid with his hair blocking 92% of his vision wearing skinny jeans and and a tie with a t-shirt and you just shake your head and say. "What the fuck are...I'm gonna kick his ass!" It really is kinda scary. Never before have you experienced a feeling where you absolutely want to pile drive some guy that you've never met. You go home and reprimand yourself for being so cranky today. Shame on you! Be prepared, for this is only the beginning.

I dare you to not punch your screen.

It isn't a gradual thing that takes some time, it literally happens overnight. You wake up in the morning and all of a sudden you're conscious of what the youth around you is doing. I'm almost 23. I'm still young by most people's standards. But having worked in a professional environment and learning how to be a professional (of sorts) has tuned me in to how the people who make a shit ton more money than me view those who they wish to share their business with. It makes me feel old when I say, "Don't they know they aren't gonna get hired looking like that? Don't they know how stupid they look??" I abstain slightly. They aren't worrying about a job yet. They're having lots of sex. It's good for them. The thing is, they are conforming to what the teen mind considers to be "cool" or some other fucking vernacular that will only piss me off if I hear it. So it isn't just one teen who wants to be this way, its a lot of teens who want to be this way. Take Beiber for instance. This moppy headed kid put his damn haircut on my brother! My brother hides under a hoody and has to shake his head every two seconds to get the hair out of his face. I love my brother to death, and support whatever he does, but sometimes I just wanna go "REALLY? You wanna look like the Beib?" And it isn't just the emo and punk kids that get to you. The rednecks and the preps have attitude like you wouldn't believe. I had this also. I'm not innocent here. But when you walk down the street and some kid hangs out his window and yells, "Faaaaaaaag!" it just makes you so mad. And then they get pissed off at you when you throw a brick into their vehicle.

Fag this, bitch.

But remember what I just said. I did the exact same thing. I thought it was funny to do this to people (if I was with a group of folks of course) and I have done stuff similar when I was a runt. Now on the other side of the coin, I don't like it one bit. It makes you wonder how the hell your parents put up with the shit you did. The other day I'm getting out of my work car and this guy called over at me. I turned around and he took a step back and said, "Dude, you look like a linebacker." He was asking to borrow my phone by the way, not trying to diss me. I told you that story to give you an idea of my size. I'm 6 foot and 2 inches and 270 pounds, I can handle myself. That's why I can throw shit at belligerent teenagers and get away with it. But it still makes me oh so friggen mad. And I know that not everyone is going to have that day when they realize that they need to shape up or get shit up. It makes me worry about the future. I remember what teens were like when I was a small kid, I remember what teens were like when I was a teen, and I know what teens are like now that I'm a little older. It seems to get worse and worse, trending towards a shade of ridiculousness that may one day be irreversible. Tattoos and piercing holes are hard to hide for a job, and this "don't give a shit" attitude is one day going to have to be acceptable or nobody is going to get hired.

The next two Presidents...

Shape up kids. Or there will be more bricks to come.

Thanks for reading.

Heroes And Schmucks: An Adumbration

Sometimes folks come up to me while I'm working and say, "Are you with Channel 5??"

"Are you with Channel 5??"

And I enjoy it. Not just because these people are dumb asses, but because in every child and crackheads voice, you can hear just a tiny hint of reverence. Because, hey, even though they see the camera and the microphone and the reporter and the live truck and the car and the shirt all emblazoned with Live 5 News sitting right in front of them, they still cant believe that they are actually in the presence of someone who makes what they see on TV happen. To them, I am a small time hero. I went through the mysterious process of getting hired and working my way up to a job that to them, seems up in the clouds. I hang around all day with local famous people and I get to drive my work vehicle filled with my work gear to places every day that they've never been. Tell me that isn't some impressive shit. What they don't know is that I'm an overweight 22 year old male who drives a 1996 Honda Mini Van to his rented house in the ghetto every night to play video games and drink. It's so weird that just like with big Hollywood celebrities, people have a hard time seeing past the job into someones life. Sure when I'm on the job I'm pretty important looking, but when I'm on a day off these people wouldn't even recognize me, much less look at me with awe. It's almost the same anywhere you go. The military veteran will come home and be the trailer park redneck he was when he left, just now free of the forced personal hygiene. The firefighter will return to his house in the burbs and crack open a beer while searching the Internet for some form of free porn. Police officers will lock themselves in their tiny apartments with their German Shepherds and drink and smoke pot and try to forget about tomorrow.

"Peanut Butter?"

I've discovered that all of us heroes to the common people are really not what the movies make us to be. We are the schmucks that inhabit this earth on our days off. We aren't cool all the time. It makes me wonder about how many of these people are workaholics that spend so much time at their job because they dislike who they are when they aren't working. When I'm working I get free access to sporting events, skip the line privileges, free parking (mostly) and offers to go do the coolest stuff around town. But when I'm at home, I have to wait in line and pay for parking, and it gets so boring. Sure I know that a lot of people who have bad ass professions have families and can't wait to get back to them, but some can't wait to work either. The movie "The Hurt Locker" touched this point perfectly. The guy was so addicted to the adrenaline of his job, he couldn't stand to be still. I pace in my apartment on my days off, it sucks.
     Most people say that being a hero isn't a full time job. It only consists of being at the right place at the right time and making a tough decision. I don't think thats true. I do agree that that is part of what a hero can be, but just doing something that puts you above the normal day to day tasks makes you special in the eyes of those who dont. Being a hero is doing something to people that inspires them to be greater, or makes them wish they hadn't screwed up their lives. When I'm on the scene of a sports event on the sidelines right there in the action, people see me and wish they could do something like that. When a firefighter battles a blazing inferno people look on and say "Damn, he/she has balls that could drink me under the table!" And everyone has seen the tv spots where a police officer jumps out of his car onto a moving truck and beats the driver into submission after getting hit with said truck. Yeah, you ALL wish you had some of that in your lives.

"Mike, move your hand..."

Our jobs are special, and that makes us special for doing them. All in all though, we are normal schmucks. Bills, beer, boredom and boners. Next time you see some tired looking guy who looks like he should have shaved three days ago, thats me. I'll kick your ass. All of us heroes can kick your ass.

We Might Not Make It After All: Boil and Bubble, Cauldron Country

To all that can stand to read my posts, it would seem like I have a problem with America. I do. Yet I know that I am blessed to live here. I know that economically, we are the top nation in the world. I realize that nobody else in the world has all the privileges we have. I know this. So why am I not a patriot? Why do I not feel a swell of pride when Lee Greenwood belts out God Bless The USA? After all people will and do kill just for a chance to live here. I am not a patriot because America is evolving into something that is not wholly American anymore. I know that in this country the good can sometimes outweigh the bad, but our bad is getting worse. And we don't seem to have a plan.

At least we're honest.

We are a diverse nation, no doubt about it. That was the whole idea way back in the when. People from everywhere could come here and be themselves as long as they all live under a general law. It was a radical idea at the time, but it seemed the right thing to do. It was, don't get me wrong. But is our diversity killing us today? I'm not racist, I'm not prejudice, and I accept all peoples regardless of race, color, creed, or sexual orientation. The only people I have a problem with are stupid people, and those folks could be anybody. But have we gotten too diverse? Way back in the caveman days people had to rely on each other to survive. If it affected one person, it affected all people. They stood together for everything. Skip through time a little bit to the medieval ages. If someone was accused of being a witch, the whole town would stand together to watch them burn. Go ahead in time a little more to the 1940's. America was blossoming and becoming a serious country. It took World War 2 before people would completely unite for something. Skip to the 60's and the Vietnam war. America was in Vietnam and all of a sudden this country isn't so resolute about whats going on. Today, a fucking war cant even get people to agree or stand together. You have groups of people ranging from the "Support our troops" types to the "Let em' die" folks. We can't even agree to disagree.

"DISAGREEEEEE!!"

Anybody can come into our country and find a little piece of home somewhere. That's the good part about coming here. There is a little bit of everything. But what happens when that everything starts to get in the way of progress? A long time ago, people where concerned with the good of the country, and when there was a rule or law that was put into place, people generally accepted it. Now people are only concerned with the good of themselves, and fight just about everything that inconveniences them in any sort of way. There is no one thing that will satisfy everyone anymore, and the government is in a tricky situation of figuring out which people have to go unsatisfied. That is of course if they could figure out how to satisfy themselves first. As many of you know, the government almost shut down not too long ago. That's because all parties involved couldn't agree to take a loss and accept what is good for the country. Now that statement will get many of you riled up, depending on what side you're on. You will scream that the republicans are too selfish, or that the democrats are too stupid. This is what I'm talking about. Shouldn't we put aside our differences and figure out what will be best for our children and their children? Who cares as long as we can keep our country alive? I work in the news, and every day I look at stories that are full of people pointing fingers and blaming others for things that don't really matter. It all seems like they care more about how long they stay in office or in front of the cameras and not at all for whats good for America. It makes me sick. I've long thought that the President is really just a figurehead for us to blame all of our problems on. To me it seems that it's really big business that runs things. No I'm not about to run naked through the streets screaming about conspiracies.

It's honestly out of fashion (pun intended)

Before we continue, I want to remind you all again that I know that this is the greatest country on the whole miserable planet. I know that I have all the privileges of a king in other countries. I know beyond a doubt that this country is the place to be, and I'm happy to be here. But at some point we do have to take a step back and look at this debacle that is eventually going to make our country stall. No I'm not saying there cant be diversity and no, I'm not saying that there shouldn't be different ethnicity's here either. That's plain racist. What I am saying is we as Americans are making it harder and harder and harder for anything to get done. For any argument there is always multiple sides. Our multiple sides are multiplying and it's getting very close to being out of control because nobody will sacrifice a little to save a lot. I'm going to tell you a tale of my childhood that will be an excellent comparison to what America is now. I live in South Carolina. Snow is almost as rare here as good personal hygiene. So during high school, we would have our snow days early on in the year because they would never get used anyway. Well one particular year we did have snow. A lot of snow. So much snow in fact that we missed more than our allowed days of school and we had to make it up. The school left it up to the students to vote on one of two options: Stay an hour after school for two weeks, or come in on two Saturdays. The student body practically screamed, "We aren't going to give up our Saturdays!" so we know what happens next. It came to be that we would have to stay late. It destroyed my schedule because I was the last person off the bus, so I was home super late. Students lost jobs, and the whole traffic flow of the town was screwed because it put school traffic in with the "off work" traffic. Here lies the comparison: America (High School) would rather screw things up in the long run (schedules, traffic, jobs) than give up a few luxuries (Saturdays). By the way all you assholes who went to school with me, a full school day has to include lunch. All we had to do was make it to lunch at 12:30 and they would have let us go! But no! Just like America, you're too stupid and close minded in your protection of luxuries that you don't consider the good of the future. It took this long for our system of government to start to fail, I hope you all are happy. Because you sure aren't doing it any good.

Stupid Fat Americans.

Thanks for reading.

Big Fat Silver Screen: R vs. PG-13

It's an age old battle between film makers and the studios behind them. Creativity or Money? Freedom or Money? Respect or Money? Sophisticated Viewers or Money? Why fight the money? After all, making movies is not only done to amuse the masses, it's done to pay bills. What's wrong with PG-13 anyway? Some of the movies on my favorites list are PG-13! The answer is nothing at all. Unless...

Unless you made this movie.

Just to clarify things before I muddle them up, having a PG-13 rating does not mean that a movie is bad. As I said previously I have some PG-13 favorites. There are however a few issues in the world of cinema that sometimes define whether or not I will rush to see these films. Take Alien Vs. Predator for instance. Both the Alien and Predator legacies come from years of Rated R movies. Predator 1 and 2 were both rated R for violence, gore, and language just like all four Alien movies. Audiences around the planet enjoyed going to see these films (except for Alien Resurrection) because they were horror movies. The trademark for horror was intense scary moments and all the gory aftermath. Then you take both of the highest grossing sci-fi horror stories of our time and pit them against each other under a PG-13 rating? Are you insane? The studio executives would call it good business, but I call it disrespectful. The reason for making this film PG-13 is to allow for the widest possible age group to come and spend money to see it. Having an R rating means that everyone under 17 years of age has to be accompanied by a supervising adult. Since most parents aren't exactly "take your children to see two alien species slaughter each other" types, an R rating would have greatly (R)estricted the viewing audience and the earnings of the movie. So what does that mean? It means that the movie sucked, that's what. You can argue that there was a certain level of violence that kept in tradition to the characters, but that's because alien violence is granted more leniency than human violence. But what about things like plot, emotion-bending images, and being able to keep that camera still long enough to let us know what the hell was going on?

I knew it!!

Making movies like Die Hard into PG-13 movies isn't really the only travesty that's going on today. Sometimes it boils down to plain ol' story telling. Now this is where the line can get a little blurry: what is better for telling a story? Limited options that could inspire a director to be creative or the freedom to express in any sort of way what is happening in a story? Personally I would go with the R rating, just to be able to keep the story alive and true. Alien vs. Predator would have been a better movie if it were rated R, no question. The subject matter was too intense to be able to fully delve into under a PG-13 rating. I don't mean to imply that all rated R films are better, this isn't true. There are movies like any of Christopher Nolan's films (aside from Memento and Insomnia) that are perfect at a PG-13 because they have the creative story telling elements that keep an audience riveted without all the excess. You will get a shit-ton of excess in a lot of rated R films. There are hundreds of movies that try to make their millions by selling the graphic violence and swearing and nudity to the weekend flick fans out there. Just like a PG-13 movie selling to all audiences, R films sometimes sell the excess. Again, the thing to watch for is storytelling. I recently spoke in a previous post about Zach Snyder's Sucker Punch. Without an R rating, what is it except a special effects extravaganza?

I can tell from the preview that there is content involving an insane asylum, swords and samurai, dragons, SS looking soldiers, robots fighting robots, explosions, gun play, everything I could want in an action movie. Then I see that it has a PG-13 stamped on it. So from that I can assume that there will be very stylized camera movements to help hide the violence (quick cutting, character focus, etc.) and a lack of blood due to total CG immersion. Since the promise of intense graphic combat is now gone because of the rating, the studio has to find another hook to keep the audience in their seats. It cant have very much swearing because of the MPAA's prudeness, so it goes back again to special effects. I know that this analyzation goes way beyond what it should. After all, we should go to the movies for entertainment and you really shouldn't judge a book by its cover right? When you pay upwards of $8 damn dollars a ticket, you damn well better. It's gas money, ticket money, snack money, and my own finicky nature that will prevent me from having a good time without the movie sucking. I don't let that bring me down at the movies, don't get me wrong. A movie can be OK and I'll still have a good time. Those factors do however play a part in making me decide what movie I'm going to go see. So when I see an action/suspense/horror,thriller movie I check to see what it's rated first. Then once you analyze the content and director, you take a good look at the preview to see what type of action and thrills they are offering. What story are they trying to tell? Does it look a cheap cookie cut out, or an over the top mindless action vehicle? I realize this is a shallow view to take on cinema. but it's good to be able to tell the cheap films that are out there soley to make money from the good movies that are there to change your life.

Thanks for reading.

Zach Snyder: Rippin' Off The Big One

In case there are those of you who don't know who Zach Snyder is, he is an American movie director with a few big films under his belt. He recently directed Sucker Punch, Legend Of The Guardians, Watchmen, 300, and a remake of George A. Romero's Dawn Of The Dead. I don't like George one bit, so he is completely resolved of all sin on that one. What does not get a get out of jail free card (also do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars) is the fact that he is an astounding hack.

Hack: 1. A mediocre and disdained writer

           2. An old or over-worked horse.

Of course I never ever judge a director for his writing (unless its a really stupid Indi flick) but take out writer and instead add film maker. Definition two is set aside for Tim Burton.

"Wiiiiiiilllbuuuuur!"

Anyway, "Hack" has many meanings in the media world. Sometimes we mean the literal definitions, and sometimes when we drink beer we mean things like "Cheater" or "Formula Abuser" or "Asshole." I personally thing ol' Zach is a cheater. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't do what he does. He is a master of his craft and it makes him lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of money, something I have yet to attain. His imagination can sometimes produce some pretty cool things. But not all the time. We will start with his first major motion picture, Dawn Of The Dead (2004). DOTD is a remake. That kinda automatically pegs it down a notch on the creativity scale. When you make something that's already been made (with the same name I mean, all movies are remakes of something) there is plenty to copy from. It's kind of like training wheels. It was his first major film, so I will forgive him. It's also saying "Fuck you!" to George, so I commend that too.

It's also, you know, way better.

Then next object of scrutiny is 300. 300 is based off of a graphic novel of the same name written by Frank Miller. A graphic novel (also for those of you who don't know) is like a comic book that's as large as (you guessed it) a novel. "So it's a novel sized book of images?" Yep. "So he made a movie based off a novel sized book of images?" Yep. "Isn't that like, cheating?" Yep. When a director is making a movie, they use a process called storyboarding.

Storyboarding: the process of diagramming the sequence of a film. A typical diagram includes a sketch and description of the scene, along with estimated length, desired audio, and notes for the camera operator.

So whats in a graphic novel?

Well shit. Theres the images desired, the dialogue and even different angles to look at. "So...what? Zach Snyder made a movie that looked almost exactly like what was in the graphic novel?" Yep. Same scenes and everything. I didn't read 300 because I saw the movie (probably another bad thing happening to the novel) but I did flip through it. I recognized every single page I landed on from the movie. And guess what? The movie was about 80% SFX, so he really didn't have to struggle too hard to copy it!

Booooooo....

The same technique was used for The Watchmen, kind of pissing off all sorts of people who were passionate about the graphic novel. Again, I'm not dissing his talent, he's a master at what he does. I appreciate his passion to be as true to the book as possible because that doesn't happen nearly enough in the movies. But being hailed as a one of the great modern filmmakers of our age...well...no. The Legend Of The Guardians was based on a book also, this time with hardly any pictures. It's completely CG soooooo...what exactly did you direct? Only the voice actors? Frowny face. Sucker Punch is the first movie he's written (with someone else) and directed that comes from his own grey matter. Get ready to rock a...PG-13 rating? What? No gratuitous violence? No nudity, no language? You mean to tell me this is just a special effects showcase?

Did you even ask Quentin Tarantino his permission?

Thanks for reading.

Thoughts Of A Zombie Holiday (Part 2)

If you've read Part 1 you know that I'm talking about life after Z-Day. If you haven't then why the hell are you reading my blogs out of order? Go back and read part one you dumb ass. Anyway we've covered when to act, identifying your enemies, and assessing your environment. Today we will continue to go over things that you might not think about until its too late. Knowledge is a crossbow my friends.

Thanks Mark. They have no idea...

Step 4: Discovering Group Dynamics

You've gotten a few essential survival items, you've identified what you're up against, you've even formed a posse. You have found a temporary haven (hopefully) and pooled your resources together. Now it's time to figure out how bad ass your team is. Each person in your group has some sort of job or skill (hopefully) that they've learned at some point in their life and it's time to bare all. Obviously having a team consisting of welders and carpenters would be the absolute shit, but alas these things don't really happen that often. If you're really lucky you might have picked up a rogue police officer or ex marine. The point of getting to know a persons skills is to figure out what job that particular person will have. People with carpentry or welding skills for example will be your chief barricaders and tool makers. Lawyers...lawyers...they...I don't know. I guess use them for food missions or whatever. Use your ex marine/police officer to help the group learn how to shoot and how to defend themselves from other humans. Each person needs a job to do to keep them sane. Nothing keeps the spirits up like having a purpose. Getting to know each individual will also let you know who is dangerous. What I mean by dangerous is someone who is going to get you killed, or under tension might kill you. Weeding out the terrified super model who will freeze up in a tense situation will help your survival odds tremendously.

Unless you're into this sort of thing.

Step 5: Protecting Your New Home

Now that everybody has gotten acquainted with each other, it's time to make the defenses. Sure you got some height to your new living arrangements, even a door with a lock! That wont really save you when there are 50 Zombies all throwing their weight at it. You need to ask your carpenter/ welder (both if you're lucky) where they would go (nearest to your location) if they needed to "build stuff".

"Build Stuff."

If the place hasn't been completely looted out, you can use your group to bring stuff back, obviously while keeping watch for zombies and whatnot. Remember, it's not worth your life. Now that there is no real reason to hurry (other than running for your life) you can take as many days as you want to accomplish things. If your local hardware stores are all depleted there are tons of now empty homes to loot and disassemble for just about anything you need. As far as defenses go, blocking the way in is great for most things as long as you have a way out. Depending on your preferred shelter that could be a window or a second door. Having too many openings is just asking for something to go wrong, so in choosing where you live its best to take that into consideration. Always have a way out. Whether it be a rope ladder or a real ladder, make sure you have a plan and that everyone knows it. One of the things I've always thought about was to literally take over an entire apartment complex. Use cars and buses to block all the roads in while you make real walls behind them, sorta making it a reverse Alcatraz. After that is done, you completely fill in/wall off the entire first and second floor apartments for the whole place. Make platforms across all the rooftops that allow crossing from one to the other, so your group can live on the third and fourth floors. Create your own way of getting to the ground floors and destroy the staircases that were originally there. Now you have your own fortress. Nerd Heaven.

Step 6: Gathering Resources

You have a dedicated place to stay that is relatively Zombie proof. It's now time to procure resources for you and your group so you can survive this awful (and totally awesome) reality. Sure, you can go to your local stores, but those will have been empty since day one. It doesn't mean it isn't worth taking a look at, but don't go expecting much. Either there will be hardly anything there, or there will be some very protective human beings not really in the sharing mood. Your best place to look is the now vacant homes. Just be careful because some Zombie occupants might still be there. Water and other liquid refreshment should take priority over food stuffs, because that will be harder to come by as days go by. Always try the taps in the beginning because there may be residual water (if its been turned off) and there's no reason to pass up a small amount. Books are very important, not just because we need to preserve society, but also because they contain a lot of useful knowledge. Books on carpentry or metal working or survival techniques can compensate for your lack of the people with those skills. Keep an eye out for matches and lighters too, because cooking food and having heat make life easier on a body. Medicine, tools, batteries, flashlights, knives, guns, ammo, and heavy winter clothing are some other things that take priority as well. There's no need to waste energy on anything that runs on electricity because that will be one of the first things to go. If you later procure a generator, all the electronic stuff will be waiting for you to come back and get it.

"It's so damn unfair!!"

Being able to create fire doesn't just allow you to cook food, you can boil your water to rid it of any nasty germs. Sand in a T-Shirt makes a pretty good filter too, so combine the two and you could very well live off of lake or river water depending on the proximity and cleanliness. Obviously if there are any dead bodies in the water, you don't want to drink it. Lakes and Rivers also mean fish and such. There hasn't really been any documented cases of Z-Disease affecting animals, so for all intensive purposes, they should be good to eat. Making a garden in your Apartment Fortress will be a necessary step in staying alive. Believe it or not, seeds are not really on a desperate person's mind when they are trying to survive. Finding them at home and garden stores should be easy because that really isn't the first place people run to. Take all the books on farming and gardening you can find to completely utilize this precious resource. Hell, if you have some time, take the whole damn store. Shovels are multi-purpose tools.

If the cricket bat is at the home and garden shop, grab that too.

Step 7: Make Rules And Follow Them

You have a dedicated group that wants to stay alive. You have a fortress that will ensure that that happens for a good long time. You've found water and have various ways of procuring food. Of course, you also have an arsenal just in case the worst comes to light. The only thing you need now is a set of strong rules. Rules are just like a job. They give a person purpose and give them a routine. Following your rules is just as important as having them. Now that there is no government you don't get fined for disobeying the rules, you get dead. Considering that your life is intertwined with the lives of your group, you don't want anyone to die. You need to set up rules on using resources, and rules for going on resource trips. You need to set up rules in the guarding and care of your fortress. If you find more survivors, they must abide by your rules or leave. Again, having these rules saves lives. If you go outside of the secure fortress, you have to receive a bite check. If you get bitten, you cant come back in. Not even for a moment. Don't waste the safety of others for a Newt. Yes a Newt.

This is Newt.

If it wasn't for Newt, Alien 3 would never have happened. She is the character that always gets other people killed trying to rescue her. Not anymore. People aren't in abundance like in the movies, and every life counts. It's not worth rescuing a little girl surrounded by 70 Zombies. If she followed the rules she wouldn't be in that situation. These heartbreaking decisions are not made lightly, but sometimes more people will die if they aren't made at all. The more people you have, the more rules there will need to be. Eventually there will be someone who thinks you are wrong. This will be another tough decision. Fortunately you don't have to make it. Yet.

Remember! You gotta shoot em in the head!
Thanks for reading.

Thoughts Of A Zombie Holiday (Part 1)

If you have ever spent time around me, you know that sometimes I get a far away, dreamy look on my face while reverently talking about the Zombie Apocalypse (or Z-Day). It's a day many nerds across the world are waiting for with barely contained excitement. When considering a new life under Zombie rule, one must devise a strategy and develop their own code to follow to keep them alive. There are many books on the subject that most people scoff at when wandering through the bookstore aisles. Ignoring these priceless guides will ultimately be your undoing, making you the undead.

Don't eat mah brains Busey!

Step 1: When to act

When Z-Day happens, it is going to happen one of two ways. It'll go slow and probably be televised, or it'll happen damn fast and your coworkers will try to eat you when you get out of the bathroom. If it happens slow, things are going to be a lot worse for you than if things happened fast. Like I said it will be televised so people (being people) will panic (like they do with any emergency) and run to the nearest gas, grocery, gun, and hardware stores and wreak havoc among the selection. You should not join them. If you are in or around this mob of people, you will see them be fidgety and anxious at first. Then someone gets shoved and its all over. There will be an angry fighting mob of desperate people all trying to get in the store, trampling any and all who get in the way. This will happen everywhere and the military will eventually declare martial law and impose a curfew. The OK news will be that if it is slow moving, the military has a good chance of eradicating the threat. That means that they're gonna end your much awaited Z-Day and shit will be back to normal.

There will still be zombies, you just can't kill em.

If it happens fast, that's when you have to kick things in high gear. What I mean by fast and slow is the rate of infection. If its slow enough that people catch on early, then more people know and less people die. Fast acting Z-Disease means that before people comprehend whats happening, it's too late. Almost all zombie films you see have this scenario in them (because nobody cares about a little outbreak) and there are plenty of useful lessons to learn in them. But for you, you probably will all of a sudden notice people acting strange and maybe see people complaining of weird folks trying to bite them. This is your cue to action. Begin immediately preparing yourself for a new world.

Step 2: Identify Your Enemy

Now most people will say, "Matt, shouldn't I try and stock up on supplies next?" I personally would not. Not yet. The first thing you need to do is try and get back to your residence and rid it of anybody that acts even remotely suspicious. You know who you live with, so if they are someone who is probably going to get you killed, get rid of them. Take inventory of your house and start planning a ration system of your food and water. Speaking of water, immediately fill every single thing that can hold liquid with water because pretty soon it will most likely get shut off. Next find every single lighter and box of matches you can and put them in a backpack. All this comes first because depending on your enemy, you may have to move very quickly. If you have a flashlight, put that in there too. Next, empty the entire medical stock of the house into this same backpack. Now you are ready to identify what you're up against. Take a careful look out the windows of your living establishment and try to identify what type of zombie is out there. There are two generic types to keep an eye out for: Runners and Trudgers. Trudgers are your old school stereotypical zombie. They John Wayne along really slow like and are the preferred zombie choice. Runners are altogether different. In recent films, zombies have become super aggressive monsters that have full control of their motor functions and can bolt at you at top speed. These guys are worst case scenarios.

"Fuck yo couch!"

 If you see Trudgers, you have a little bit of time to prepare things you need from your house. Be careful though, Trudgers tend to group en masse, so if you see more than three it's time to toodleloo. You need as much water as you can carry, your matches and medicine of course, and whatever food you can shove into the remaining space. Food is not as important as water. You can go two weeks without food, and only two days without water. If you have a gun, ditch some food space and put all your ammo in there next to your medicine. Bring a knife as well. Keep in mind that you aren't just facing a zombie hoard, you also have other normal humans to worry about too. There will be desperate people wanting what you have, or maybe just to kill anything that moves because they're scared. There will also be the closet killers. Rednecks with pent up rage now free to kill and shoot anything because "There ain't no law no more!" There will be gangs of people who create the second horror of Z-Day: Human Domination.

Step 3: Assess Your Environment


Depending on where you live, you may want to get the hell out. Obviously if you live in a college dorm you could not have done step 2. Your life sucks, hope you do OK. For the rest of us, we need to take stock of just what our defenses are. If you live in a house you probably want to get out of that and find something a little bit more defensible. Apartments with hallways are not a good option either. What you want is something that has one door and a few windows on the second or third floor. If you managed to pick up some people and you have formed a group each person should offer up the best place out of all (for easy access before you have to kick in strangers doors). If you can find an apartment higher up with entrances on the outside you've got a good temporary base of operations. I say temporary because staying in one place can attract a lot of zombie and human attention. Once you get somewhere where you can be sorta safe, it's time to do a buddy check. Too many people die in the movies because that one jackass keeps it a secret that he's been bitten. Well not you! You are going to order everyone with you (at gunpoint if need be) to strip down completely for a bite inspection. If anyone refuses, they are to leave immediately. If everyone is clear, then you're now able to find a more permanent living quarters.

"Dude! I said I was all right!"

Remember though, you have to have enough water for you all. You are going to put your brains together and try to figure out where a good water source is. Soon you will have to find food too, so you're gonna want to think this living situation out thoroughly. So far it hasn't been documented that Zombies are very efficient climbers, so I personally would stick to a height that doesn't trap me with a fatal fall, but doesn't allow the zombies and people to climb in my window.

Thanks for reading. Part 2 coming soon.

We Might Not Make It After All: The American Sovereigns

This is Charlie Sheen. Actor, millionaire, and a current American Sovereign. Everybody in America knows who he is either from his long career as a leading actor, or because of his recent trouble in the TV biz. This article brings to light the view of celebrities in the eyes of Americans. I call these celebrities American Sovereigns because they are always known in the minds of the viewers, and are literally worshiped like the Kings and Queens of old. We as viewers forget that actors and actresses are people just like us, and that gets to be a tremendous problem when they act like it.

Take a good look at this video. It may be absolutely hilarious, but it is also unfortunately both sides of the coin all at once. You have a clear case of celebrity worship, as well as recognition that poor poor Brittany is just a normal person. When I say normal I don't mean your average upstanding citizen, there is no such thing. I mean that they are the same bat shit insane people that we are, and they are going to have their own bat shit problems just like us. Take me for instance. I have bad days where I'm grouchy and I don't feel like taking anybodies shit. I can scream or yell or be depressed and go to the nearest bar and get drunk. In the bar I might call a patron a dirty name and get thrown out, only to drive home and ding my fender against someone else's vehicle. Were I to tell my story to people at work, they would say "Oh that figures, I hate Tuesdays too." That would be the end of that. Celebrities do the exact same thing and they make headlines worldwide. Why? They're just people after all. They have good days, bad days, cocaine days, and drunk days. Just like we do. Why? Because they're just people after all. No Mom/Dad I don't have cocaine days, but a good portion of average America does and that's fine with everybody. So when Russell Crowe can't get a call through to his wife in Australia and hurls his hotel telephone at the concierge, I can be a little understanding.

Long Distance Charge MY ASS!

What I don't understand is that when he is charged with Third Degree Assault and pleads guilty, he is fined $160. Lets review: Crowe throws a phone that (allegedly) hits the concierge in the face (allegedly) causing lacerations and "much pain." Under United States Law that is Second Degree Assault. "Second degree assault is charged if a dangerous weapon is used as part of the offense.  A person accused of a second degree assault may face up to 7 years in prison and a fine of not more than $14,000." If I decided to clobber a hotel staff member with a phone you know my ass would be put in jail. No question. If I decided to drive drunk, with 2 1/2 grams of cocaine sitting in my cup holder next to my bottle of rum, well...that spells disaster for us mortals. But not for an American Sovereign. We now know why I say American, but does the word sovereign have to be there too? Yes. It damn well does.

Sovereign: 1: A monarch; a king queen, or other supreme ruler
                 2: A person who has sovereign power or authority
                 3: A gold coin of the United Kingdom....wait....never mind.

Ignore definition 3, focus on 1 and 2. "Oh Matt, celebrities are just celebrities. They don't have any special powers!" BULLSHIT. As previously mentioned, they can get a serious charge dropped into a joke. They can be busted drunk driving with drugs and all they have to do is a week in rehab. Take the most powerful man in America : The President Of The United States. If he is caught doing anything wrong at all (hell he caught so much flak for just being a smoker) it's catastrophic towards his image. This guy runs our country and he can't do anything! "Matt, that's why he can't do anything! He's got so much responsibility and he represents America! Duh!" Answer me this then. Between President Obama and Bruce Willis, who do you think the world sees more? Who is more interesting to watch? That's what I thought. Our celebrities are more viewed, more thought about, and more liked than our President. Can't agree on the new political policy? Well William Wallace is fighting for his freedom on channel 7 and everyone can agree on that.

"I wanted a bunny instead of this blue shit!"

Big time celebrities make more than the President, they can get away with anything unlike the President, and are more loved than any of our Presidents. If that's not power, than I don't know what is. Pop Quiz time! Frank Sinatra did something bad in his lifetime, what was it? "Oh uhhh, I don't know. Didn't he mess with the mob or something? Oh who cares? The man had a voice!" Next question. Bill Clinton did something bad in his lifetime, what was it? "The dumb ass had an affair and then lied about it! RAGE RAGE RAGE!!!" Yeah you all seem to know that one. But that's it? The man didn't want to sleep with Hillary Clinton?

The Bastard!

Our celebrities are out of control and we condone it. They drink, do drugs, fuck up, cheat, lie and turn into psycho assholes. Really they're just average Americans with lots and lots of money. Yes average Americans are guilty of all those things too, but there's a huge difference between us and celebrities. We pay the price. They don't. They represent America the most, not the guy who helped build hospitals and schools for children in poor countries. In fact, no one wants to know that guy because Two And A Half Men is about to come on. I want to claim celebrity status at my next traffic court. I'll get laughed at. Then fined.

Thanks for reading.

Big Fat Silver Screen: When Bad Guys Scream "Latency!"

Apparently when you are a bad guy in an action movie...well...nobody wants you to win except a few basement kids, and that's not a following you want no matter who you are. You are the character that the world takes its rage and frustration out on wholesale, and you have some tough rules to live by. You have to be thwarted by the good guy time and time again. You can't do things the simple way because you have to fill an hour and a half of movie up. You just can't win. Kevin Costner is always the anti-hero. You just can't win. You will always just miss the good guy until the last 15 minutes. You just can't win.

And you'll never really get rid of Steve Buscemi either.

The Bad Guy has a pretty raw deal on all of that. What makes the good guy so special anyway? An insane amount of luck, that's what. Take Predator (1987) for instance. The Predator takes out the entire special forces team with barely a hiccup. We get to see from his cloaking device and his disappointing-looking shoulder gun that he and the SF's are the equivalent of man and deer. The damage his puny shoulder gun wields doesn't quite seem right to its size, but hey, we all know size doesn't count.

Isn't that right Blaine?

So take a good look at this picture. That's what happens when Predator hits you dead on. He completely amputates limbs when he grazes you. The team of seven is taken apart until The Schwarzenegger Speed Bump pops up. To explain, whats left of the team is running away in fear and the Predator is in hot pursuit. Schwarzenegger is dead in the sights and Predator fires and Arnold gets hit and flies into the bushes and...it's a fucking scratch. He shakes himself off and he has a baby gash on his shoulder. Yeah I know he's Ahnold but that picture up there was Jesse Ventura. The guy who said "I ain't got time to bleed." You know that Predator was just shitting himself. That's one of the facts of life you have to deal with when you're the bad guy. You can't end the movie even if you wanted to.

You can't end a Schwarzenegger movie until a Schwarzenegger ends you.

As the viewer, you don't even blink when the Bad Guy and his cronies shoot thousands of bullets at the Good Guy (who may or may not be out in the open in broad daylight) and they all miss. When the good guy gets shot it's generally a 15 minute warning for the audience. By the way, I want to show y'all something. This is a video of a M14 rifle. The clip that you see on this rifle holds 20 rounds. Notice how this clip looks like almost every clip you see in the movies.

Did you see that? It took literally two seconds for 20 rounds to be expended. Now watch this.

There was a lot of latency there. Did you see how Ahnold moves through cronies like a flaming axe through silk? With the unlimited ammo cheat unlocked too. Yeah sorry bad guys, you don't get that one either. In fact you are more likely to not have a bullet when you need one.

I could go for days on that one. Briefly, before we move on, notice how in the Commando video Ahnold uses flowers for cover (1:54). Good guys can do that. They get flowers, bushes, car doors, random mom's and even food in some cases. All you get is henchmen who try to utilize the same cover and fail. They randomly stand up in the middle of a gun fight and get shot, so they aren't very bright either. Man it's tough to be you! But I think the most frustrating part about being a bad guy is that you never get to do the logical, easy clandestine thing. Nooooo you have to do things so damn complicated that all the Good Guy has to do is disable on tiny piece of your gigantic plan and you're done for. Whoever wrote you seems like an asshole right now don't they? And hey, you aren't allowed to shoot the Good Guy in the head and go home. Even though it's wildly cost effective.

This costs: $3.00

This costs...aw fuck it. Never mind.

Lastly, I want to talk about Henchmen. One thing the Bad Guy is allowed plenty of is Henchmen. This seems like it would be a good thing, except your cronies have a serious case of being alive and Bruce Willis is out to cure that.

Cured!

The more henchmen you get, the stupider they become. If you have an army at your disposal, you might as well give up and go home because Dolph Lundgren is coming. He's coming for you. On the other hand, if you have a single crony at your disposal, you have a very good chance of eliciting some torture on the Good Guy. But this is where your writing comes into play and you have to torture the Good Guy. You can't put one in his head and call it a day. The ensuing escape and imminent death or lifelong incarceration is going to be embarrassing, but that's why you're the bad guy.

Thanks for reading.