Thoughts Of A Zombie Holiday (Part 1)

If you have ever spent time around me, you know that sometimes I get a far away, dreamy look on my face while reverently talking about the Zombie Apocalypse (or Z-Day). It's a day many nerds across the world are waiting for with barely contained excitement. When considering a new life under Zombie rule, one must devise a strategy and develop their own code to follow to keep them alive. There are many books on the subject that most people scoff at when wandering through the bookstore aisles. Ignoring these priceless guides will ultimately be your undoing, making you the undead.

Don't eat mah brains Busey!

Step 1: When to act

When Z-Day happens, it is going to happen one of two ways. It'll go slow and probably be televised, or it'll happen damn fast and your coworkers will try to eat you when you get out of the bathroom. If it happens slow, things are going to be a lot worse for you than if things happened fast. Like I said it will be televised so people (being people) will panic (like they do with any emergency) and run to the nearest gas, grocery, gun, and hardware stores and wreak havoc among the selection. You should not join them. If you are in or around this mob of people, you will see them be fidgety and anxious at first. Then someone gets shoved and its all over. There will be an angry fighting mob of desperate people all trying to get in the store, trampling any and all who get in the way. This will happen everywhere and the military will eventually declare martial law and impose a curfew. The OK news will be that if it is slow moving, the military has a good chance of eradicating the threat. That means that they're gonna end your much awaited Z-Day and shit will be back to normal.

There will still be zombies, you just can't kill em.

If it happens fast, that's when you have to kick things in high gear. What I mean by fast and slow is the rate of infection. If its slow enough that people catch on early, then more people know and less people die. Fast acting Z-Disease means that before people comprehend whats happening, it's too late. Almost all zombie films you see have this scenario in them (because nobody cares about a little outbreak) and there are plenty of useful lessons to learn in them. But for you, you probably will all of a sudden notice people acting strange and maybe see people complaining of weird folks trying to bite them. This is your cue to action. Begin immediately preparing yourself for a new world.

Step 2: Identify Your Enemy

Now most people will say, "Matt, shouldn't I try and stock up on supplies next?" I personally would not. Not yet. The first thing you need to do is try and get back to your residence and rid it of anybody that acts even remotely suspicious. You know who you live with, so if they are someone who is probably going to get you killed, get rid of them. Take inventory of your house and start planning a ration system of your food and water. Speaking of water, immediately fill every single thing that can hold liquid with water because pretty soon it will most likely get shut off. Next find every single lighter and box of matches you can and put them in a backpack. All this comes first because depending on your enemy, you may have to move very quickly. If you have a flashlight, put that in there too. Next, empty the entire medical stock of the house into this same backpack. Now you are ready to identify what you're up against. Take a careful look out the windows of your living establishment and try to identify what type of zombie is out there. There are two generic types to keep an eye out for: Runners and Trudgers. Trudgers are your old school stereotypical zombie. They John Wayne along really slow like and are the preferred zombie choice. Runners are altogether different. In recent films, zombies have become super aggressive monsters that have full control of their motor functions and can bolt at you at top speed. These guys are worst case scenarios.

"Fuck yo couch!"

 If you see Trudgers, you have a little bit of time to prepare things you need from your house. Be careful though, Trudgers tend to group en masse, so if you see more than three it's time to toodleloo. You need as much water as you can carry, your matches and medicine of course, and whatever food you can shove into the remaining space. Food is not as important as water. You can go two weeks without food, and only two days without water. If you have a gun, ditch some food space and put all your ammo in there next to your medicine. Bring a knife as well. Keep in mind that you aren't just facing a zombie hoard, you also have other normal humans to worry about too. There will be desperate people wanting what you have, or maybe just to kill anything that moves because they're scared. There will also be the closet killers. Rednecks with pent up rage now free to kill and shoot anything because "There ain't no law no more!" There will be gangs of people who create the second horror of Z-Day: Human Domination.

Step 3: Assess Your Environment


Depending on where you live, you may want to get the hell out. Obviously if you live in a college dorm you could not have done step 2. Your life sucks, hope you do OK. For the rest of us, we need to take stock of just what our defenses are. If you live in a house you probably want to get out of that and find something a little bit more defensible. Apartments with hallways are not a good option either. What you want is something that has one door and a few windows on the second or third floor. If you managed to pick up some people and you have formed a group each person should offer up the best place out of all (for easy access before you have to kick in strangers doors). If you can find an apartment higher up with entrances on the outside you've got a good temporary base of operations. I say temporary because staying in one place can attract a lot of zombie and human attention. Once you get somewhere where you can be sorta safe, it's time to do a buddy check. Too many people die in the movies because that one jackass keeps it a secret that he's been bitten. Well not you! You are going to order everyone with you (at gunpoint if need be) to strip down completely for a bite inspection. If anyone refuses, they are to leave immediately. If everyone is clear, then you're now able to find a more permanent living quarters.

"Dude! I said I was all right!"

Remember though, you have to have enough water for you all. You are going to put your brains together and try to figure out where a good water source is. Soon you will have to find food too, so you're gonna want to think this living situation out thoroughly. So far it hasn't been documented that Zombies are very efficient climbers, so I personally would stick to a height that doesn't trap me with a fatal fall, but doesn't allow the zombies and people to climb in my window.

Thanks for reading. Part 2 coming soon.