We Might Not Make It After All: The American Sovereigns

This is Charlie Sheen. Actor, millionaire, and a current American Sovereign. Everybody in America knows who he is either from his long career as a leading actor, or because of his recent trouble in the TV biz. This article brings to light the view of celebrities in the eyes of Americans. I call these celebrities American Sovereigns because they are always known in the minds of the viewers, and are literally worshiped like the Kings and Queens of old. We as viewers forget that actors and actresses are people just like us, and that gets to be a tremendous problem when they act like it.

Take a good look at this video. It may be absolutely hilarious, but it is also unfortunately both sides of the coin all at once. You have a clear case of celebrity worship, as well as recognition that poor poor Brittany is just a normal person. When I say normal I don't mean your average upstanding citizen, there is no such thing. I mean that they are the same bat shit insane people that we are, and they are going to have their own bat shit problems just like us. Take me for instance. I have bad days where I'm grouchy and I don't feel like taking anybodies shit. I can scream or yell or be depressed and go to the nearest bar and get drunk. In the bar I might call a patron a dirty name and get thrown out, only to drive home and ding my fender against someone else's vehicle. Were I to tell my story to people at work, they would say "Oh that figures, I hate Tuesdays too." That would be the end of that. Celebrities do the exact same thing and they make headlines worldwide. Why? They're just people after all. They have good days, bad days, cocaine days, and drunk days. Just like we do. Why? Because they're just people after all. No Mom/Dad I don't have cocaine days, but a good portion of average America does and that's fine with everybody. So when Russell Crowe can't get a call through to his wife in Australia and hurls his hotel telephone at the concierge, I can be a little understanding.

Long Distance Charge MY ASS!

What I don't understand is that when he is charged with Third Degree Assault and pleads guilty, he is fined $160. Lets review: Crowe throws a phone that (allegedly) hits the concierge in the face (allegedly) causing lacerations and "much pain." Under United States Law that is Second Degree Assault. "Second degree assault is charged if a dangerous weapon is used as part of the offense.  A person accused of a second degree assault may face up to 7 years in prison and a fine of not more than $14,000." If I decided to clobber a hotel staff member with a phone you know my ass would be put in jail. No question. If I decided to drive drunk, with 2 1/2 grams of cocaine sitting in my cup holder next to my bottle of rum, well...that spells disaster for us mortals. But not for an American Sovereign. We now know why I say American, but does the word sovereign have to be there too? Yes. It damn well does.

Sovereign: 1: A monarch; a king queen, or other supreme ruler
                 2: A person who has sovereign power or authority
                 3: A gold coin of the United Kingdom....wait....never mind.

Ignore definition 3, focus on 1 and 2. "Oh Matt, celebrities are just celebrities. They don't have any special powers!" BULLSHIT. As previously mentioned, they can get a serious charge dropped into a joke. They can be busted drunk driving with drugs and all they have to do is a week in rehab. Take the most powerful man in America : The President Of The United States. If he is caught doing anything wrong at all (hell he caught so much flak for just being a smoker) it's catastrophic towards his image. This guy runs our country and he can't do anything! "Matt, that's why he can't do anything! He's got so much responsibility and he represents America! Duh!" Answer me this then. Between President Obama and Bruce Willis, who do you think the world sees more? Who is more interesting to watch? That's what I thought. Our celebrities are more viewed, more thought about, and more liked than our President. Can't agree on the new political policy? Well William Wallace is fighting for his freedom on channel 7 and everyone can agree on that.

"I wanted a bunny instead of this blue shit!"

Big time celebrities make more than the President, they can get away with anything unlike the President, and are more loved than any of our Presidents. If that's not power, than I don't know what is. Pop Quiz time! Frank Sinatra did something bad in his lifetime, what was it? "Oh uhhh, I don't know. Didn't he mess with the mob or something? Oh who cares? The man had a voice!" Next question. Bill Clinton did something bad in his lifetime, what was it? "The dumb ass had an affair and then lied about it! RAGE RAGE RAGE!!!" Yeah you all seem to know that one. But that's it? The man didn't want to sleep with Hillary Clinton?

The Bastard!

Our celebrities are out of control and we condone it. They drink, do drugs, fuck up, cheat, lie and turn into psycho assholes. Really they're just average Americans with lots and lots of money. Yes average Americans are guilty of all those things too, but there's a huge difference between us and celebrities. We pay the price. They don't. They represent America the most, not the guy who helped build hospitals and schools for children in poor countries. In fact, no one wants to know that guy because Two And A Half Men is about to come on. I want to claim celebrity status at my next traffic court. I'll get laughed at. Then fined.

Thanks for reading.