Zach Snyder: Rippin' Off The Big One

In case there are those of you who don't know who Zach Snyder is, he is an American movie director with a few big films under his belt. He recently directed Sucker Punch, Legend Of The Guardians, Watchmen, 300, and a remake of George A. Romero's Dawn Of The Dead. I don't like George one bit, so he is completely resolved of all sin on that one. What does not get a get out of jail free card (also do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars) is the fact that he is an astounding hack.

Hack: 1. A mediocre and disdained writer

           2. An old or over-worked horse.

Of course I never ever judge a director for his writing (unless its a really stupid Indi flick) but take out writer and instead add film maker. Definition two is set aside for Tim Burton.

"Wiiiiiiilllbuuuuur!"

Anyway, "Hack" has many meanings in the media world. Sometimes we mean the literal definitions, and sometimes when we drink beer we mean things like "Cheater" or "Formula Abuser" or "Asshole." I personally thing ol' Zach is a cheater. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't do what he does. He is a master of his craft and it makes him lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of money, something I have yet to attain. His imagination can sometimes produce some pretty cool things. But not all the time. We will start with his first major motion picture, Dawn Of The Dead (2004). DOTD is a remake. That kinda automatically pegs it down a notch on the creativity scale. When you make something that's already been made (with the same name I mean, all movies are remakes of something) there is plenty to copy from. It's kind of like training wheels. It was his first major film, so I will forgive him. It's also saying "Fuck you!" to George, so I commend that too.

It's also, you know, way better.

Then next object of scrutiny is 300. 300 is based off of a graphic novel of the same name written by Frank Miller. A graphic novel (also for those of you who don't know) is like a comic book that's as large as (you guessed it) a novel. "So it's a novel sized book of images?" Yep. "So he made a movie based off a novel sized book of images?" Yep. "Isn't that like, cheating?" Yep. When a director is making a movie, they use a process called storyboarding.

Storyboarding: the process of diagramming the sequence of a film. A typical diagram includes a sketch and description of the scene, along with estimated length, desired audio, and notes for the camera operator.

So whats in a graphic novel?

Well shit. Theres the images desired, the dialogue and even different angles to look at. "So...what? Zach Snyder made a movie that looked almost exactly like what was in the graphic novel?" Yep. Same scenes and everything. I didn't read 300 because I saw the movie (probably another bad thing happening to the novel) but I did flip through it. I recognized every single page I landed on from the movie. And guess what? The movie was about 80% SFX, so he really didn't have to struggle too hard to copy it!

Booooooo....

The same technique was used for The Watchmen, kind of pissing off all sorts of people who were passionate about the graphic novel. Again, I'm not dissing his talent, he's a master at what he does. I appreciate his passion to be as true to the book as possible because that doesn't happen nearly enough in the movies. But being hailed as a one of the great modern filmmakers of our age...well...no. The Legend Of The Guardians was based on a book also, this time with hardly any pictures. It's completely CG soooooo...what exactly did you direct? Only the voice actors? Frowny face. Sucker Punch is the first movie he's written (with someone else) and directed that comes from his own grey matter. Get ready to rock a...PG-13 rating? What? No gratuitous violence? No nudity, no language? You mean to tell me this is just a special effects showcase?

Did you even ask Quentin Tarantino his permission?

Thanks for reading.

Thoughts Of A Zombie Holiday (Part 2)

If you've read Part 1 you know that I'm talking about life after Z-Day. If you haven't then why the hell are you reading my blogs out of order? Go back and read part one you dumb ass. Anyway we've covered when to act, identifying your enemies, and assessing your environment. Today we will continue to go over things that you might not think about until its too late. Knowledge is a crossbow my friends.

Thanks Mark. They have no idea...

Step 4: Discovering Group Dynamics

You've gotten a few essential survival items, you've identified what you're up against, you've even formed a posse. You have found a temporary haven (hopefully) and pooled your resources together. Now it's time to figure out how bad ass your team is. Each person in your group has some sort of job or skill (hopefully) that they've learned at some point in their life and it's time to bare all. Obviously having a team consisting of welders and carpenters would be the absolute shit, but alas these things don't really happen that often. If you're really lucky you might have picked up a rogue police officer or ex marine. The point of getting to know a persons skills is to figure out what job that particular person will have. People with carpentry or welding skills for example will be your chief barricaders and tool makers. Lawyers...lawyers...they...I don't know. I guess use them for food missions or whatever. Use your ex marine/police officer to help the group learn how to shoot and how to defend themselves from other humans. Each person needs a job to do to keep them sane. Nothing keeps the spirits up like having a purpose. Getting to know each individual will also let you know who is dangerous. What I mean by dangerous is someone who is going to get you killed, or under tension might kill you. Weeding out the terrified super model who will freeze up in a tense situation will help your survival odds tremendously.

Unless you're into this sort of thing.

Step 5: Protecting Your New Home

Now that everybody has gotten acquainted with each other, it's time to make the defenses. Sure you got some height to your new living arrangements, even a door with a lock! That wont really save you when there are 50 Zombies all throwing their weight at it. You need to ask your carpenter/ welder (both if you're lucky) where they would go (nearest to your location) if they needed to "build stuff".

"Build Stuff."

If the place hasn't been completely looted out, you can use your group to bring stuff back, obviously while keeping watch for zombies and whatnot. Remember, it's not worth your life. Now that there is no real reason to hurry (other than running for your life) you can take as many days as you want to accomplish things. If your local hardware stores are all depleted there are tons of now empty homes to loot and disassemble for just about anything you need. As far as defenses go, blocking the way in is great for most things as long as you have a way out. Depending on your preferred shelter that could be a window or a second door. Having too many openings is just asking for something to go wrong, so in choosing where you live its best to take that into consideration. Always have a way out. Whether it be a rope ladder or a real ladder, make sure you have a plan and that everyone knows it. One of the things I've always thought about was to literally take over an entire apartment complex. Use cars and buses to block all the roads in while you make real walls behind them, sorta making it a reverse Alcatraz. After that is done, you completely fill in/wall off the entire first and second floor apartments for the whole place. Make platforms across all the rooftops that allow crossing from one to the other, so your group can live on the third and fourth floors. Create your own way of getting to the ground floors and destroy the staircases that were originally there. Now you have your own fortress. Nerd Heaven.

Step 6: Gathering Resources

You have a dedicated place to stay that is relatively Zombie proof. It's now time to procure resources for you and your group so you can survive this awful (and totally awesome) reality. Sure, you can go to your local stores, but those will have been empty since day one. It doesn't mean it isn't worth taking a look at, but don't go expecting much. Either there will be hardly anything there, or there will be some very protective human beings not really in the sharing mood. Your best place to look is the now vacant homes. Just be careful because some Zombie occupants might still be there. Water and other liquid refreshment should take priority over food stuffs, because that will be harder to come by as days go by. Always try the taps in the beginning because there may be residual water (if its been turned off) and there's no reason to pass up a small amount. Books are very important, not just because we need to preserve society, but also because they contain a lot of useful knowledge. Books on carpentry or metal working or survival techniques can compensate for your lack of the people with those skills. Keep an eye out for matches and lighters too, because cooking food and having heat make life easier on a body. Medicine, tools, batteries, flashlights, knives, guns, ammo, and heavy winter clothing are some other things that take priority as well. There's no need to waste energy on anything that runs on electricity because that will be one of the first things to go. If you later procure a generator, all the electronic stuff will be waiting for you to come back and get it.

"It's so damn unfair!!"

Being able to create fire doesn't just allow you to cook food, you can boil your water to rid it of any nasty germs. Sand in a T-Shirt makes a pretty good filter too, so combine the two and you could very well live off of lake or river water depending on the proximity and cleanliness. Obviously if there are any dead bodies in the water, you don't want to drink it. Lakes and Rivers also mean fish and such. There hasn't really been any documented cases of Z-Disease affecting animals, so for all intensive purposes, they should be good to eat. Making a garden in your Apartment Fortress will be a necessary step in staying alive. Believe it or not, seeds are not really on a desperate person's mind when they are trying to survive. Finding them at home and garden stores should be easy because that really isn't the first place people run to. Take all the books on farming and gardening you can find to completely utilize this precious resource. Hell, if you have some time, take the whole damn store. Shovels are multi-purpose tools.

If the cricket bat is at the home and garden shop, grab that too.

Step 7: Make Rules And Follow Them

You have a dedicated group that wants to stay alive. You have a fortress that will ensure that that happens for a good long time. You've found water and have various ways of procuring food. Of course, you also have an arsenal just in case the worst comes to light. The only thing you need now is a set of strong rules. Rules are just like a job. They give a person purpose and give them a routine. Following your rules is just as important as having them. Now that there is no government you don't get fined for disobeying the rules, you get dead. Considering that your life is intertwined with the lives of your group, you don't want anyone to die. You need to set up rules on using resources, and rules for going on resource trips. You need to set up rules in the guarding and care of your fortress. If you find more survivors, they must abide by your rules or leave. Again, having these rules saves lives. If you go outside of the secure fortress, you have to receive a bite check. If you get bitten, you cant come back in. Not even for a moment. Don't waste the safety of others for a Newt. Yes a Newt.

This is Newt.

If it wasn't for Newt, Alien 3 would never have happened. She is the character that always gets other people killed trying to rescue her. Not anymore. People aren't in abundance like in the movies, and every life counts. It's not worth rescuing a little girl surrounded by 70 Zombies. If she followed the rules she wouldn't be in that situation. These heartbreaking decisions are not made lightly, but sometimes more people will die if they aren't made at all. The more people you have, the more rules there will need to be. Eventually there will be someone who thinks you are wrong. This will be another tough decision. Fortunately you don't have to make it. Yet.

Remember! You gotta shoot em in the head!
Thanks for reading.

Thoughts Of A Zombie Holiday (Part 1)

If you have ever spent time around me, you know that sometimes I get a far away, dreamy look on my face while reverently talking about the Zombie Apocalypse (or Z-Day). It's a day many nerds across the world are waiting for with barely contained excitement. When considering a new life under Zombie rule, one must devise a strategy and develop their own code to follow to keep them alive. There are many books on the subject that most people scoff at when wandering through the bookstore aisles. Ignoring these priceless guides will ultimately be your undoing, making you the undead.

Don't eat mah brains Busey!

Step 1: When to act

When Z-Day happens, it is going to happen one of two ways. It'll go slow and probably be televised, or it'll happen damn fast and your coworkers will try to eat you when you get out of the bathroom. If it happens slow, things are going to be a lot worse for you than if things happened fast. Like I said it will be televised so people (being people) will panic (like they do with any emergency) and run to the nearest gas, grocery, gun, and hardware stores and wreak havoc among the selection. You should not join them. If you are in or around this mob of people, you will see them be fidgety and anxious at first. Then someone gets shoved and its all over. There will be an angry fighting mob of desperate people all trying to get in the store, trampling any and all who get in the way. This will happen everywhere and the military will eventually declare martial law and impose a curfew. The OK news will be that if it is slow moving, the military has a good chance of eradicating the threat. That means that they're gonna end your much awaited Z-Day and shit will be back to normal.

There will still be zombies, you just can't kill em.

If it happens fast, that's when you have to kick things in high gear. What I mean by fast and slow is the rate of infection. If its slow enough that people catch on early, then more people know and less people die. Fast acting Z-Disease means that before people comprehend whats happening, it's too late. Almost all zombie films you see have this scenario in them (because nobody cares about a little outbreak) and there are plenty of useful lessons to learn in them. But for you, you probably will all of a sudden notice people acting strange and maybe see people complaining of weird folks trying to bite them. This is your cue to action. Begin immediately preparing yourself for a new world.

Step 2: Identify Your Enemy

Now most people will say, "Matt, shouldn't I try and stock up on supplies next?" I personally would not. Not yet. The first thing you need to do is try and get back to your residence and rid it of anybody that acts even remotely suspicious. You know who you live with, so if they are someone who is probably going to get you killed, get rid of them. Take inventory of your house and start planning a ration system of your food and water. Speaking of water, immediately fill every single thing that can hold liquid with water because pretty soon it will most likely get shut off. Next find every single lighter and box of matches you can and put them in a backpack. All this comes first because depending on your enemy, you may have to move very quickly. If you have a flashlight, put that in there too. Next, empty the entire medical stock of the house into this same backpack. Now you are ready to identify what you're up against. Take a careful look out the windows of your living establishment and try to identify what type of zombie is out there. There are two generic types to keep an eye out for: Runners and Trudgers. Trudgers are your old school stereotypical zombie. They John Wayne along really slow like and are the preferred zombie choice. Runners are altogether different. In recent films, zombies have become super aggressive monsters that have full control of their motor functions and can bolt at you at top speed. These guys are worst case scenarios.

"Fuck yo couch!"

 If you see Trudgers, you have a little bit of time to prepare things you need from your house. Be careful though, Trudgers tend to group en masse, so if you see more than three it's time to toodleloo. You need as much water as you can carry, your matches and medicine of course, and whatever food you can shove into the remaining space. Food is not as important as water. You can go two weeks without food, and only two days without water. If you have a gun, ditch some food space and put all your ammo in there next to your medicine. Bring a knife as well. Keep in mind that you aren't just facing a zombie hoard, you also have other normal humans to worry about too. There will be desperate people wanting what you have, or maybe just to kill anything that moves because they're scared. There will also be the closet killers. Rednecks with pent up rage now free to kill and shoot anything because "There ain't no law no more!" There will be gangs of people who create the second horror of Z-Day: Human Domination.

Step 3: Assess Your Environment


Depending on where you live, you may want to get the hell out. Obviously if you live in a college dorm you could not have done step 2. Your life sucks, hope you do OK. For the rest of us, we need to take stock of just what our defenses are. If you live in a house you probably want to get out of that and find something a little bit more defensible. Apartments with hallways are not a good option either. What you want is something that has one door and a few windows on the second or third floor. If you managed to pick up some people and you have formed a group each person should offer up the best place out of all (for easy access before you have to kick in strangers doors). If you can find an apartment higher up with entrances on the outside you've got a good temporary base of operations. I say temporary because staying in one place can attract a lot of zombie and human attention. Once you get somewhere where you can be sorta safe, it's time to do a buddy check. Too many people die in the movies because that one jackass keeps it a secret that he's been bitten. Well not you! You are going to order everyone with you (at gunpoint if need be) to strip down completely for a bite inspection. If anyone refuses, they are to leave immediately. If everyone is clear, then you're now able to find a more permanent living quarters.

"Dude! I said I was all right!"

Remember though, you have to have enough water for you all. You are going to put your brains together and try to figure out where a good water source is. Soon you will have to find food too, so you're gonna want to think this living situation out thoroughly. So far it hasn't been documented that Zombies are very efficient climbers, so I personally would stick to a height that doesn't trap me with a fatal fall, but doesn't allow the zombies and people to climb in my window.

Thanks for reading. Part 2 coming soon.

We Might Not Make It After All: The American Sovereigns

This is Charlie Sheen. Actor, millionaire, and a current American Sovereign. Everybody in America knows who he is either from his long career as a leading actor, or because of his recent trouble in the TV biz. This article brings to light the view of celebrities in the eyes of Americans. I call these celebrities American Sovereigns because they are always known in the minds of the viewers, and are literally worshiped like the Kings and Queens of old. We as viewers forget that actors and actresses are people just like us, and that gets to be a tremendous problem when they act like it.

Take a good look at this video. It may be absolutely hilarious, but it is also unfortunately both sides of the coin all at once. You have a clear case of celebrity worship, as well as recognition that poor poor Brittany is just a normal person. When I say normal I don't mean your average upstanding citizen, there is no such thing. I mean that they are the same bat shit insane people that we are, and they are going to have their own bat shit problems just like us. Take me for instance. I have bad days where I'm grouchy and I don't feel like taking anybodies shit. I can scream or yell or be depressed and go to the nearest bar and get drunk. In the bar I might call a patron a dirty name and get thrown out, only to drive home and ding my fender against someone else's vehicle. Were I to tell my story to people at work, they would say "Oh that figures, I hate Tuesdays too." That would be the end of that. Celebrities do the exact same thing and they make headlines worldwide. Why? They're just people after all. They have good days, bad days, cocaine days, and drunk days. Just like we do. Why? Because they're just people after all. No Mom/Dad I don't have cocaine days, but a good portion of average America does and that's fine with everybody. So when Russell Crowe can't get a call through to his wife in Australia and hurls his hotel telephone at the concierge, I can be a little understanding.

Long Distance Charge MY ASS!

What I don't understand is that when he is charged with Third Degree Assault and pleads guilty, he is fined $160. Lets review: Crowe throws a phone that (allegedly) hits the concierge in the face (allegedly) causing lacerations and "much pain." Under United States Law that is Second Degree Assault. "Second degree assault is charged if a dangerous weapon is used as part of the offense.  A person accused of a second degree assault may face up to 7 years in prison and a fine of not more than $14,000." If I decided to clobber a hotel staff member with a phone you know my ass would be put in jail. No question. If I decided to drive drunk, with 2 1/2 grams of cocaine sitting in my cup holder next to my bottle of rum, well...that spells disaster for us mortals. But not for an American Sovereign. We now know why I say American, but does the word sovereign have to be there too? Yes. It damn well does.

Sovereign: 1: A monarch; a king queen, or other supreme ruler
                 2: A person who has sovereign power or authority
                 3: A gold coin of the United Kingdom....wait....never mind.

Ignore definition 3, focus on 1 and 2. "Oh Matt, celebrities are just celebrities. They don't have any special powers!" BULLSHIT. As previously mentioned, they can get a serious charge dropped into a joke. They can be busted drunk driving with drugs and all they have to do is a week in rehab. Take the most powerful man in America : The President Of The United States. If he is caught doing anything wrong at all (hell he caught so much flak for just being a smoker) it's catastrophic towards his image. This guy runs our country and he can't do anything! "Matt, that's why he can't do anything! He's got so much responsibility and he represents America! Duh!" Answer me this then. Between President Obama and Bruce Willis, who do you think the world sees more? Who is more interesting to watch? That's what I thought. Our celebrities are more viewed, more thought about, and more liked than our President. Can't agree on the new political policy? Well William Wallace is fighting for his freedom on channel 7 and everyone can agree on that.

"I wanted a bunny instead of this blue shit!"

Big time celebrities make more than the President, they can get away with anything unlike the President, and are more loved than any of our Presidents. If that's not power, than I don't know what is. Pop Quiz time! Frank Sinatra did something bad in his lifetime, what was it? "Oh uhhh, I don't know. Didn't he mess with the mob or something? Oh who cares? The man had a voice!" Next question. Bill Clinton did something bad in his lifetime, what was it? "The dumb ass had an affair and then lied about it! RAGE RAGE RAGE!!!" Yeah you all seem to know that one. But that's it? The man didn't want to sleep with Hillary Clinton?

The Bastard!

Our celebrities are out of control and we condone it. They drink, do drugs, fuck up, cheat, lie and turn into psycho assholes. Really they're just average Americans with lots and lots of money. Yes average Americans are guilty of all those things too, but there's a huge difference between us and celebrities. We pay the price. They don't. They represent America the most, not the guy who helped build hospitals and schools for children in poor countries. In fact, no one wants to know that guy because Two And A Half Men is about to come on. I want to claim celebrity status at my next traffic court. I'll get laughed at. Then fined.

Thanks for reading.

Big Fat Silver Screen: When Bad Guys Scream "Latency!"

Apparently when you are a bad guy in an action movie...well...nobody wants you to win except a few basement kids, and that's not a following you want no matter who you are. You are the character that the world takes its rage and frustration out on wholesale, and you have some tough rules to live by. You have to be thwarted by the good guy time and time again. You can't do things the simple way because you have to fill an hour and a half of movie up. You just can't win. Kevin Costner is always the anti-hero. You just can't win. You will always just miss the good guy until the last 15 minutes. You just can't win.

And you'll never really get rid of Steve Buscemi either.

The Bad Guy has a pretty raw deal on all of that. What makes the good guy so special anyway? An insane amount of luck, that's what. Take Predator (1987) for instance. The Predator takes out the entire special forces team with barely a hiccup. We get to see from his cloaking device and his disappointing-looking shoulder gun that he and the SF's are the equivalent of man and deer. The damage his puny shoulder gun wields doesn't quite seem right to its size, but hey, we all know size doesn't count.

Isn't that right Blaine?

So take a good look at this picture. That's what happens when Predator hits you dead on. He completely amputates limbs when he grazes you. The team of seven is taken apart until The Schwarzenegger Speed Bump pops up. To explain, whats left of the team is running away in fear and the Predator is in hot pursuit. Schwarzenegger is dead in the sights and Predator fires and Arnold gets hit and flies into the bushes and...it's a fucking scratch. He shakes himself off and he has a baby gash on his shoulder. Yeah I know he's Ahnold but that picture up there was Jesse Ventura. The guy who said "I ain't got time to bleed." You know that Predator was just shitting himself. That's one of the facts of life you have to deal with when you're the bad guy. You can't end the movie even if you wanted to.

You can't end a Schwarzenegger movie until a Schwarzenegger ends you.

As the viewer, you don't even blink when the Bad Guy and his cronies shoot thousands of bullets at the Good Guy (who may or may not be out in the open in broad daylight) and they all miss. When the good guy gets shot it's generally a 15 minute warning for the audience. By the way, I want to show y'all something. This is a video of a M14 rifle. The clip that you see on this rifle holds 20 rounds. Notice how this clip looks like almost every clip you see in the movies.

Did you see that? It took literally two seconds for 20 rounds to be expended. Now watch this.

There was a lot of latency there. Did you see how Ahnold moves through cronies like a flaming axe through silk? With the unlimited ammo cheat unlocked too. Yeah sorry bad guys, you don't get that one either. In fact you are more likely to not have a bullet when you need one.

I could go for days on that one. Briefly, before we move on, notice how in the Commando video Ahnold uses flowers for cover (1:54). Good guys can do that. They get flowers, bushes, car doors, random mom's and even food in some cases. All you get is henchmen who try to utilize the same cover and fail. They randomly stand up in the middle of a gun fight and get shot, so they aren't very bright either. Man it's tough to be you! But I think the most frustrating part about being a bad guy is that you never get to do the logical, easy clandestine thing. Nooooo you have to do things so damn complicated that all the Good Guy has to do is disable on tiny piece of your gigantic plan and you're done for. Whoever wrote you seems like an asshole right now don't they? And hey, you aren't allowed to shoot the Good Guy in the head and go home. Even though it's wildly cost effective.

This costs: $3.00

This costs...aw fuck it. Never mind.

Lastly, I want to talk about Henchmen. One thing the Bad Guy is allowed plenty of is Henchmen. This seems like it would be a good thing, except your cronies have a serious case of being alive and Bruce Willis is out to cure that.

Cured!

The more henchmen you get, the stupider they become. If you have an army at your disposal, you might as well give up and go home because Dolph Lundgren is coming. He's coming for you. On the other hand, if you have a single crony at your disposal, you have a very good chance of eliciting some torture on the Good Guy. But this is where your writing comes into play and you have to torture the Good Guy. You can't put one in his head and call it a day. The ensuing escape and imminent death or lifelong incarceration is going to be embarrassing, but that's why you're the bad guy.

Thanks for reading.